spam n. Unsolicited e-mail, often of a commercial nature, sent indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups; junk e-mail.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

They Work Rapidly - Yesterday's Tradgedy is Today's Spam Email...

From: Barrister Morgan John Perhaps you have your fake names switched up a bit there, eh, Morgan?
To: me!
Subject: Read carefully....

Dear Mr /Mrs Knight, Hey! Make up your mind! What if I were a Miss or a Ms.? Huh? I mean, God Forbid you don't have ALL your bases covered, dirty spammer!

Re: Next of kin to my late client Eng. Adams Knight. And the "Eng" stands for...what? "England?" "Engineer?" "ENGRISH?"

With due respect, trust and humility, I write to you you don't say irrespective of the fact that you do not know me you don't say, but please do consider this letter as a request from a person in dare need go ahead, need something. I DARE you... of assistance from a trust worthy person barkin' up the wrong tree, pal. I'm way more likely to steal your monies as look at you. And I don't really feel like looking at you. You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you don't know me personally again, you don't say. I do like how you're trying so damn hard to reenforce that fact. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. For the REALS.

I am Barrister Morgan John (The man of two first names, as I am known in my country), a solicitor ohhh, NOW I get why you're called Morgan JOHN...Solicitaion!at law; I am was the personal attorney to late Eng.Adams Knight (known in our country as 'he of two last names'), who used to work with shell - Development Company in Nigeria no shit, really? Nigeria sounds like such a magical place. So full of lost monies just looking for a home. I must visit someday.. Hereinafter shall be referred to as my client. On April 25th 2005 note: that was YESTERDAY, my client, his wife and three children were involved in a train accident should've taken the plane in Japan during their visit to Japan you don't say. Often times, i find my Japanese accidents happening while visiting Korea. Japan is sneaky sneaky like that which all the families were dead lucky day to be a single guy on the train. Here is some news about the train accident:

there was a link about this train accident which happened YESTERDAY in Japan. Lots of folks dead. All official and such.

Since then since YESTER-FUCKING-DAY you mean? I have made several at least two enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my client's extended relatives the ones with pryopism, I mean, but this has also proved unsuccessful 5 minutes of work trying to find some relatives sounds like hard work! You must be bushed. Take a break, have some lemonade. After several two, maybe three AT LEAST attempts to locate a member of his family, hence I contacted you since you gots that name thing in common and, Hell, you smell trustworthy. I am contacting you to assist me repatriating 'cause damn that fucking money...It's become so unpatriotic in the past year, dissing the states, burning flags, doing kamikaze shooters...Dirty treasonous bastard monies. the money and properties left behind by my client you know, YESTERDAY before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable to the bank here this huge deposit were lodge um...what? I have a prediction...You keep sending out the spam, you'll soon find a 'huge deposit' 'lodge' somewhere quite uncomfortable. Got it, Sparky?. Particularly, the bank where the diseased he had a disease? OH! You mean the 'deceased.' Damn you and your flimsy grasp on my language. Eff off, spammer had an account valued at [12.5million dollars] oh shit, 12.5 million in BRACKETS? shit, that's a lot of cash without the brackets but...SHIT! IN BRACKETS!? You have my attention now has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days which may really be 15 to 17 UNOFFICIAL working days, there's a weekend coming up and LORD KNOWS what kind of weird national holidays we have here in Nigeria.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relative for the past years or the PAST FUCKING DAY! It's been ONE GODDAMN DAY! You lazy sumbitch, now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to my late client gorsh, why not? After all, how many next-of-kins am I now...Damn, I think I've run out of fingers with which to COUNT the occurences!. Since you both have the same surname you don't say and you are capable of doing this transaction. So that the proceeds of this account valued at bracketed [12.5miilion dollars] can be paid to you, then you and I can share the money 60% for me and 30% for you Huh? 30/60? that...That doesn't even add up! I mean, 30% of 12.5 (bracketed) meeeelion ain't bad, but why does YOUR dumb ass get 60!? I'm offended, sir, and I don't mind saying so!, while 5% will be used to offset all the expenses incurred in the course of this transaction including tax and 5% for the poor in your country oh, now I've got to be the bad guy for not wanting the 'poor in my country' to get 5%? Eff those bums, tell 'em to get a job. I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up our claims oh, I'm sure you do. All i require is your honest co-operation heh to enable us seeing this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement of course, I expect nothing less that will protect you from any breach of the law except for the obvious theft of 12.5 (bracketed) MEELION U.S. dollars from some dead fella' whom I've never heard of. Outside of that, the whole thing sounds clean as a whistle!.

Please get in touch with me by my email and send the following information to me.
Your full name of course, so you can efficiently look me up
Residential address so that, when paired with my name, you can swiftly find me and kill me
Phone and fax numbers to enable us discuss further about this transaction. so you can blow smoke up my ass prior to killing me

Looking forward to your prompt response. And here it is! 'blow it out your ass, Mr. John!'
Best regards to you and your family.

Thank you. You're quite welcome.
Barrister Morgan 'honest' John


Monday, April 16, 2007

The "Anti-Nigerian" Nigerian Spam Scam...

Here's a little email I received earlier today...As always, my comments are the ones in red.
Subject:Truth of the matter is that this shit is spam

ATTN:HON CONTRACTOR by "Hon," I hope to Hell that you mean "honorable" and that you're not just calling me "hon" like short for "honey buns" or "honey cheeks" or (please, God, no) "honey nuts"
AFTER WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU keep fucking waiting OR YOUR NIGERIAN PARTNER like I said, kee...Hey, wait, what? FOR A LONG TIME NOW, I have a Nigerian partner? I DECIDED TO MAKE THIS DIRECT APPROACH as opposed to skulking around in the bushes, tossing pebbles at your window in hopes of catching a fleeting glimpse at you in your nightgown TO YOU AS MY NEW RESOLUTION also: quitting smoking, losing weight and not stealing so much British Pound Monies IN OTHER NOT TO LET IT BE AS IF I HAVE ANYTHING IN MIND AGAINST YOU ok, lost me. I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU HAVE ASKED YOURSELF WHY EACH TIME THE RELEASE OF THIS FUND IS APPROVED, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE PAYMENT WILL BE STOPPED Well, I can tell you that I HAVE asked myself "WTF?" for a while now. I mean, I do all that these people ask of me, I send my monies and such and still: no Hella' big stacks of monies appear in MY bank account(s) OR ONE PROBLEM OR THE OTHER WILL COME UP IF YOU HAVE NOT ASKED THIS QUESTION OR YOU DO NOT KNOW, or perhaps you are of the "special" variety and have taken an interest in licking windows to pass the time THE THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO TELL YOU. I feel 'de gossips a-comin' on

SOME TIME AGO, YOUR NIGERIAN FRIENDS, if you can call them "friends." They never call, they never write...They never send hella' big stacks of British Pound monies... I MEAN THE PEOPLE THAT INTRODUCED YOU TO THE PROJECT ah, of course...wink wink..."the people" APPROACHED ME THROUGH MY DEAR WIFE as opposed to that other wife of mine who isn't near as dear and, frankly, is a bit of a bitch WHO WORK conveniently enough WITH THE MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM CONCLUDE A MONEY TRANSFER DEAL please to refresh my memory: is this the guy who was killed when the plane crashed or the other one who just up and disappeared? I mean, I AM "next of kin" (wink wink) for several individuals now THEY HAD WITH YOU. THEY REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM BY REMOVING THE ORIGINAL CONTRACTOR’S NAME, COMPANY’S NAME AND BANK PARTICULARS try "Goo Gone," that shit'll clean ANYTHING up FROM THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA hereafter known as (CBN) VETTING WTF? COMPUTER AND REPLACING THEM WITH YOUR NAME AND BANK DETAILS IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU APPEAR AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY 'cause you know that I SO am OF THIS FUND. I AGREED ON CONDITION THAT THEY WILL PAY ME U.S. $3 MILLION and buy me lunch and hey, maybe a Pop-Tart or two...Also I've always wanted a pony. OOH and a Power Wheels GRAVEDIGGER! Yeah! And... AS SOON AS YOUR NAME APPEARS AS THE BENEFICIARY. I DID AS AGREED AND DEMANDED TO BE PAID Pop-Tarts first, BUT YOUR FRIENDS right, "Friends" STARTED TELLING ME STORIES which eventually sent me off to sleep, my precious teddy bear under one arm and my thumb firmly in my mouth, THEY EVEN TOLD ME YOU PROMISED TO SEND MONEY TO ME well, they lied. As they say in my country, "cram it in your ass, pal.". DO YOU KNOW THAT UP TILL NOW, I HAVE NOT RECEIVED A SINGLE CENT FROM THEM NO! YOU DON'T SAY! Why, if I were you, I'd walk right over to their office and raise quite the stink! Not received a single cent, HOW DARE THEY!? AND HAVE NOT SET MY EYES ON ANY OF THEM? Wait, you mean you haven't set your eyes on any MONIES or any NIGERIANS? or, even worse, is this one of those horrible stories where you have a detached retina and are just looking, quite literally, to "rest your eyes?" BASED ON THEIR ATTITUDE fuckers, I DECIDED TO STOP THE FUND RELEASE MOVEMENT which was not easy...I mean, have you ever tried to just stop a BOWEL movement? Think that, but 2.5 times harder. NOT. EASY. Also, a little painful. BECAUSE I CANNOT BE DENIED OF MY RIGHT IN MY OWN OFFICE after all, a dirty spammer's office IS his castle CONSIDERING THE RISK AS IT MIGHT AFFECT MY JOB NO...You Don't say... AND I KNOW THE SOURCE OF THE FUNDS THAT YOU DID NOT EXECUTE ANY CONTRACT IN NIGERIA hey now, don't you go spreading rumors there, pal, ALTHOUGH I AM THE ONLY PERSON PRIVILEGED TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION AND IT IS A FACT. Well aren't YOU special? Wanna gold star for the day? How about a cookie?

WHY I AM MAKING THIS CLEAR TO YOU IS THAT by pretending that I'm NOT Nigerian and by BADMOUTHING Nigerians, I figure that you'll play along I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE STILL MAKING EFFORTS IN ORDER TO CONCLUDE THIS PROJECT if, by "conclude" you mean, hitting the "This is Spam" button...Well yes, yes I am. NOW I AM READY TO FORGET THE PAST.Oh, I always KNEW that you'd come back to me! I DO NOT NEED THE US$3 MILLION ANY LONGER WHEW! Now THERE'S a load off MY mind FROM YOU BUT A GOOD COMPENSATION FROM YOUR MIND how's about a nice TRIVIA question? What's black and white and red all over? WRONG! IT'S A NUN! A...uh...bloody nun...Um...Wait, I think I told it wrong...Hold up. I NEED YOUR ASSURANCE THAT THOSE COLLEAGUES Who, them Nigerians? WILL BE TOTALLY KEPT OUT OF THIS TRANSACTION which one, the me NOT paying you big stacks of U.S. Dollars? AND I KNOW THAT NONE OF THEM IS AWARE OF MY NEW APPROACH TO YOU 'cause they all so stupid and these internets are all so foreign to them and the emails? Please, don't get me started...STOP SPENDING YOUR MONEY UNNECESSARILY and start spending it WITH ME TO CBN OFFICERS HERE BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE THIS MONEY WITHOUT MY HAND IN IT and I totally mean that literally: you'll receive my severed hand. Right or left, you decide. All raw and bloody...Spooky, spooky severed hand...DON'T TRY ME, WHITE BOY! I'll SO do it. I PERSONALLY DID THE WORK AT THE BEGINNING AND ONLY ME CAN CONCLUDE IT SUCESSFULLY. Hey, newsflash, Jackson: only ME can prevent forest fires. I doubt that ONLY YOU can complete this transaction successfully. I mean, what...Are you the only cat that can READ where you live?

FINALLY, I NEED YOUR PROMISE THAT NO OFFICIAL OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA fuck them WILL BE AWARE OF MY INVOLVEMENT IN THIS TRANSACTIONS um...haven't you already fucked that up a wee bit? BECAUSE OF MY POSITION which, since you asked, is face down, ass up. That's the way we like to fuck, dontcha know?. I WANT YOU TO REASSURE ME and hold me and tell me I'm pretty THAT YOU WILL BE WILLING TO COMPENSATE ME AND THAT YOU WILL ASSIST MY WIFE TO ESTABLISH A FOREIGN ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY WHERE MY OWN PERCENTAGE WILL BE LODGED oh, you'll get something "lodged," don't you worry...I can assure you of that, pal. IF YOU AGREE, I WILL SEND YOU A KTT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS FOR YOUR ENDORSEMENT When dealing with dishonest foreigners, I ALWAYS trust KTT Fund Release Approval Documents. Whether home or abroad, KTT Documents are the Spammer's first choice! (how was that?) AFTER WHICH YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SHALL BE CREDITED WITHIN 48 HOURS THROUGH GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA CRUDE OIL RESERVE ACCOUNT with having singlehandedly brought about the fall of communism. Look, we know it's not true, but Wikipedia will buy it as a citation and you'll be hella' famous!.


EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR- CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. hey, wait! You're a dirty fucking Nigerian TOO! WHY!? WHY DO YOU LIE TO ME? And I was SO about to send off all of my monies...Oh well...


Monday, April 02, 2007

Monday Mail Blechs.

This post is rated 'M' for Mature. And 'MSA' for Mom Stay Away. It's all kinds of rated.

Sorry to do this, but if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.

The first email I opened this morning was this:

Thanks for the early morning porn-mail you penis patch pushing anonymous fucknut. Still, I think I can use this...

Random thoughts to follow.
I think it's meant to tell a story, almost like a comic strip.

Panel 1: "Gee honey, I would love to pull down your pants and blow you senseless, but really... what's the point?"

Panel 2: All the information you need to know to fix the situation, with a special guest appearance by the head of H.R. Giger's Alien because that's how we roll.

Panel 3: (Later...) "Wow! Where have you been all my life, oh tool of Satan?!"
One thing I wonder about this – apart from why they would picture a skinned weenie guaranteed to make any guy back away with his hands over his crotch and tears in his eyes – is do they think by adding the "Rx" to their product's name the potential customer might think it has some medicinal value and legitimacy? All I can say is adding Mc to nuggets doesn't make me think they're Scottish.
A patch. Why a patch? The only other chemical patch I can think of offhand is the smoking patch, and that's used to give up smoking. Shouldn't a penis patch make you give up penis? Just in case, whatever you do, don't let your lady wear one. To be safe don't even let her look at one.
"... will expand the erectile tissue longer and wider without any extra effort..." From flaccid, sure. A slight breeze can manage that. You don't even have to TRY. Slapping something on your best friend Bobby is bound to generate some activity. The question that isn't answered is, "Will this patch make Bobby grow bigger and wider than he's ever been before?" Since these people are in the business of lying and taking advantage of the insecure, I feel confident the answer they would give is, "Yes. Oh yes. Big as your freakin' arm. This check's good, right?"
For the record I don't name my 'bits', but Bobby seems like a good one. It conjures imagery that's hard to forget. Bobby. Think about it. Then, once you get it, try NOT thinking about it.
It would be awesome if you had to lick it to stick it. "Honey! Could you help me with this? I need you to lick me here, here and here. And here. Here again. Now over here. Stop complaining! I'm doing this for you!" But it's probably adhesive strips.
Picture this... taking it off after jogging.
How big is this patch? It can't be too big, because remember who it's for. Provided you have the real estate, can you apply more than one? What happens if you do? I can picture college kids sticking six of them on a friend who passed out drunk at the party. He wakes in the morning and his pants are shredded. He has to gather it up in his arms just to walk. "I can never play soccer again!"
That's probably way more than enough of that.

Have a great week everyone.


Tuesday, March 27, 2007

News flash from the lunatic fringe

Just this minute I received an email from Gotoso Diogo with the subject line "Anna Nicole: The Mystery of Her Death"

The body of the email went on to tell me that she died from an enlarged penis. Her own or someone else's; it wasn't made clear. It was very cryptic. It appeared to be trying pass itself off as spam, seemingly selling me the "#1 Penis Enlargement Solution in the World," but with that subject line I knew there was a deeper meaning. Surely it wasn't chosen at RANDOM. No, my friends, this is not spam. Oh no. There's something "they" don't want us to know about the death of Anna Nicole. The "mystery" of it, if you will. I'm certain that this was really a disguised message from the people "in the know."

How can I be so sure? The answer is hidden in the coded message at the end: "ftkpkkkmkfkjkfmuhmiihihqhkhnhkhhhlishuiolhhthghh"

See? There can be no denying it. If you can't decode it out, you weren't meant to know, but I will say that what it reveals is chilling in its evil.

If you do figure out the message, be quiet about it though. Just knowing this could jeopardize your life. The email said "100% Guaranteed risk free" which is obviously meant as a warning of the extreme danger you will be in if you learn of this cover-up. I'm not afraid. I live with fear on a daily basis. I have a teenaged son.

Just remember, the truth of Anna's death is out there. It's walking on three legs.

Luckily we have Gotoso Diogo risking his life to warn us.

You're a good man Gotoso.


Friday, March 23, 2007

A bit'o Spam

It's been awhile since I've done anything with the spam that used to flood my inbox. As you can tell if you have stopped by lately. I say "used to flood my inbox" because our IT guys have managed to shut the flow down to a trickle. That's great and all, but it makes material scarce. Luckily I've been holding on to quite a few for quite awhile, just waiting for the posting urge to strike. It has struck, in a tiny way. I will now give you a few morsels of spam. My comments, as usual, in red.


From: Ketty Kloecker
Subject: Don't pass by for god sake. Render assistance, you heartless bastard!
Date: March 21, 2007 6:14:53 PM MDT
To: collin

Something attractive are occur with SCPT, did you saw I did saw! I did! It so attractive! Make me horny! So horny! .02 x.04 ? You betcha. .02 x.04 worth of horny!
I think we need to buy it before it reach 0.06 mark. Do you? Are you sure? That's .02 more horny if we wait! Let's wait! Let the horny build and build!

LOOK at statistic. Do I gotta? I'm busy letting the horny build! Sigh. Fine.

Last Trade: 0.04
Change: Up 0.02 (81.82%)
Prev Close: 0.02
Volume: 5,421,146 Now, I'm no money guru, but wouldn't an increase from .02 to .04 equal a 100% increase? *Ahem* I mean 'Statistic make me horny even more!' So much volume! So attractive!

But do not tell me later thet i wasn't noticed you. I couldn't if I wanted to.

Truly Yours, Ketty If you are truly mine, can I sell you? I think that should be allowed. Apply you towards my student loans.


Best spam title I've gotten lately: "Jennifer keeps the room warm."

Unfortunately, that's the only good thing about that one. No explanation how she does it. Nothing further is said of Jennifer. Just more babble about stocks I don't realize I want.


From: nevil ambrosius (
Subject: Sir, your product works like no other. It does indeed. So you'll be buying a thirty then?
Date: March 20, 2007 9:23:05 PM MDT
To: antonina (collin@blahblahblah) WTF? Like I'm not going to know my own name? Who the hell is Antonina? Answer me Nevil Ambrosius, you prick!

Did you know that a recent survey showed that 85% of women actually get aroused by a man who produces "above average" semen amounts? Who does these surveys? Do they just hang around WalMart with a clipboard and a lewd expression? "Excuse me miss, does THIS much semen make you horny?" Produces a pint bottle full of teeny wigglers from behind his back. Notes reaction. Moves on. With our pills, she'll be speechless... They're mostly alum. Damned handy if the lady of the bedroom is a bit too chatty. and defiantly coming back for more... Give me what I want or I'll smack you into Tuesday!

Other than a link and filler text, that was it. The entire sales pitch. I'm left unconvinced.

Have a great weekend everyone!


Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A Suspense Account! Spam from Africa...

From :Miss Rose wanta
Add:43 rue de angree djibi

Dear Respectful One and a fine day to you, bitch!

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory you mean the internets? 'De world wide web? THE WORLD HIVE BRAIN!? Sure, go on....

I prayed over it over what? and selected your name lucky me! among other names ooh, unlucky thems! due to it's esteeming nature you're Goddamned RIGHT, I'm esteemed! and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with from whom? EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS THE LIES! LIES! and by their recommenddations whomever "they" may be I must not hesitate SO QUIT WASTING TIME, CORKY! to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.

I am Rose wanta Fanta, the only Daughter of late Mr and Mrs George dont'cha Wanta Fanta My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan, geography lesson alert: the economic capital of Ivory Coast, before he was poisoned to death which sucks only a bit more than being "poisoned into incapacitation" but is perhaps WAY worse than being "poisoned to slight irritation" by his business associates et tu, Bruté? on one of their outing to discus on a business deal and also the poisoning. Mr Wanta never DID read memorandums carefully.

When my mother died on the 21st October 1996 was the 3rd of September..., my father took me special That day I'll always remember...Yes I will... because i am motherless look, kids! A bastard child!. Before the death of my father on 30th June 2003 in a private hospital here in Abidjan 'cause of the poison...And stuff..

He secretly called me on his bedside he was way into this ninja shit and told me that he has a sum of $7.500.000 (Seven Million, five hundred thousand dollars) left in a suspense dun dun DUNNNNN! account in a local Bank ooh, they have more than one! here in Abidjan, that he used my name as his only Daughter 'cause he felt bad just making up names for the next of kin in deposit of the fund.And i have my small brother he's a little person. My little brother in BOTH senses, it's really beautiful call mark Wanta Fanta
He also explained to me verrrrrry slowwwwwly that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money what, some random fucking amount of money? his business associates supposed to balance him what? from the deal they had, that he was poisoned by his business associates 'cause FUCK HIM, if he won't balance, let's kill him! No thought of where the monies may be, just kill him. kill him dead. with Drain-O., that I should seek for a God fearing God TERRIFIES me. He often takes my lunch monies. foreign partner in a country of my choice how nice! where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management) oh, suddenly you have a moment of clarity. Real estate management isn't all it's cracked up to be, missy...May I recommend "hookers and beer?".

Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways.

1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to done..

2) To serve as the guardian of this since I am a gilr a what? A gilr monster? of 19 (tender) years.
Moreover Sir, i am willing to offer you 20% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas. So let me get this straight...I open an account, I serve as your guardian and I receive big US monies. Hmmm...No getting killed with the blunt objects? No untimely doom? No scamming me out of MY monies? SIGN ME UP, SODA GIRL!

Thanks and God Bless. Ooh, you're welcome!

Best regards.

Miss Rose wanta Fanta!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Spam With No Shame - Taking The Lord's Name in Vain...

From: Mrs. Monica Tema

PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF (a lesser) GOD 'cause you know they don't hear to well n' stuff. I am the above name person Wow, forgot your scam-name already? You needs to PRACTICE from Sierra-Leone. I am married note: present tense to Dr Ebenezer Tema who worked with Sierra Leonian Embassy in South Africa for nine years before he died married to a dead man. Currently. That must suck, mostly in the year 2001. We were married for eleven years without a child 'cause my insides was a rocky place where his seed could find no purchase. Before my husband's death, we were both born again christians kinda like that band Stryper, but without all the hair. we liked to wear tight yellow outfits, though...Anyhow, where were we? and we lived happilly ever mother-fucking after. Since his death, I decided not to re-marry or get a child you know, like by stealing one outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is really against Wait, the bible don't want you to remarry or the bible is against NOT remarrying? MAKE MORE SENSE, SCAMMER.

When my late husband was alive you know, back before he was "dead" he secured (stoled) $15Million (Fifteen Million U.S. Dollars I love me some U.S. Dollars) with financial institution we only have one and, yes, It's called "Financial Institution." We thought it was a bit classier than "Bank," don't you agree? here in Cote D'Ivoire which is in a foreign language and DON'T TRY TO TRANSLATE IT 'cause you're not all foreign. And stuff. Anyway. Presently, this money is still with (our only) financial institution. Recently, my Doctor the only one in foreign-town told me that from all the test conducted on my health, I am not going to last long Well shit, maybe next time: not so many tests on your health. You might last longer, expecially heh, due to my cancer and stroke Ohhhh. Well shit...Yeah, that'll fuck you up. But what disturbs me most now is stroke 'cause cancer, let's face it, it ain't so bad for me. Hell, it has a pleasant flowery aroma and people give me sympathy. Stroke, on the other hand, well all it does is shoot my motor skills all to hell and make me drool. And talk funny. And look at the rest of this email, I CAN'T EVEN TYPE REAL GOOD! Screw you, Stroke! Screw you to Hell!.

Having known my condition biblically, I decided to donate this fund you know, the U.S. Dollars I revealed earlier to churches or Christian individual the only one in town! that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct YOU! Do as I say! First, you shall build a monument to me and don't make it all drooly, or effed up from stroke, alright? good, second.... I want a church or individual that will use this money to fund churches then give it to a church, Orphanages or an orphan and Widows or...Hey, YOU'RE a widow!. Also, the propagation what? of the work of God, building and maintaining the house of God It has a 4-car garage through this money, is very important.

The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth right before the Lord taketh away. I took this decision because I don't have any child Insides, rocky place, blah blah blah that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians those heathen BASTARDS! What are they, Catholic?. I don't want my husband's hard earned (read: stoled) money to be misused by unbelievers or Catholics for that matter, for their own selfish interest like funding exorcisms and stuff and in an ungodly manner like, I dunno, receiving massages and meth from gay hookers. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bossom where exactly IS the Lord's "bossom?" of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case now THERE'S a lawyer you don't want to face in court and I shall hold my peace.

I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health remember: I don't talk so good and I'm tired of repeating myself, and because of the presence of my husband's relatives I think one's even a preist around me sometimes. I don't want them to know about this development, but I know that With God all things are possible so he'll probably tell them. Man, I hope he doesn't tell them, they're creepy.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of Financial institution yes, the only one in Ivory coast. I will also give you all information regarding the deposit of this money. I will also look, gimpy, USE COMMAS! issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original- beneficiary the O.B. for street cred purposes of this fund. I want you and your church Foreign church of foreigners n' stuff to always pray for me because God work in misterious warm mist or cool mist? ways. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian you said you were born again...So...What'd you do BEFORE then? Live a life indeed. Who ever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. I...uh...Just gimme the monies.

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian individual for this same purpose in English: speed it up there, Junior! You could lose the big score to some other sucker!. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein praying for hookers and beer, building a house...I got it, strokey, now where's the cash?. Hoping to hear from you soon (just not on the telephone).

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

Yours in Christ,
Mrs Monica Tema that above named person from...above