Happy Happy Fun Spam #1
Originally posted on Fizzle and Pop 4/26/2004 and modified slightly.
This arrived in my mailbox with the subject line of "Dont Blame Ur Bro Being So Small, Try This Out harvey cerise".
We have a building wide spam filter in place (hah), so this is some clever stuff to make it through the laser fence.
Below I will dissect it piece by piece because I can and want to.
"The world most--effecctive male enhance-ment pi11"
Okay, I'm sure that spelling pill and enhancement "pi11" and "enhance-ment" is an attempt to slip this past spam blockers... However this whole spam arrived as an image file, and I don't think spam blockers use OCR technology. Too clever for their own good.
"100%. natural botanicals gathered from every corner of the world, only 2 pi11s daily"
I can think of more than a few corners of the world that I wouldn't want botanicals from. And I mean botanicals that I wouldn't put on a windowsill, much less in my body. A dandelion from New Jersey for example.
"Increase the length of your DICCKY by 2-5 full inches"
None of that half-inch or quarter-inch crap! They offer FULL inches!
"Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder"
"Fuller"? Is that a major selling point for a guy's DICCKY? Do women check out a man's groin area and think to herself, "That doesn't look quite full enough. Gotta pass."? If so how do beer-bellied cowboy types ever get a woman? I mean, if you put a grape next to a straw and an orange next to a watermelon, the grape may seem fuller by comparison.
"---------------------- We ship to all countries ----------------------"
They ship to all countries! THANK GOD! It's good to know if you are in Borneo and find yourself needing a fuller DICCKY, help is just an email and VISA payment away.
"WEEK 1-3: Your DICCKY will experience greater and longer lasting erec--tion and a noticeable increase in thickness"
This would be after 14-42 pi11s. Noticeable to who, exactly? Physicists can notice some awful small stuff and stopwatches can measure milliseconds. To me "noticeable" is pretty much dependent on what you can be bothered to notice.
"WEEK 4-8: Your DICCKY will have grown in lenngth and will possess much more thickness in both ere--ct and flaccid states"
56-112 pi11s later. Now, believe it or not, thick WHILE flaccid is actually very important. It helps with the impression of fullness you give off while walking around, AND it gives the guys something to fear while standing around the urinal. It also gives a man a rolling gait, and if you want to be a cowboy that is key. Plus you can use your thrusting hips as a way to terrorize nuns.
"WEEK 9+: Your DICCKY will have taken on a new body, not just longer and thicker, but much harder & healthier."
126+ pi11s. Before this point you might want to consider stopping the pi11s, because, from what I gather from this, your DICCKY will have become large enough and strong enough to rip itself from your body and wander off to find someone else. Someone "harder" and "healthier". Or, it may go terrorize Tokyo. You know, whatever. It's a DICCKY. It does what it wants.
"Booost ur confidennce level & selff-esteem"
While chemically killing that part of your brain that can spell and form sentences. It's those New Jersey dandelions I tell you! You'll be walking around confident and secure in yourself, and possess a fuller groin, yet you'll be forced to communicate in grunts and whistles. It's a bit of a trade off.
"Screw ur lover like never before"
Take her to a nice secluded spot, far from civilization, have her close her eyes and then release the 11 week old doom DICCKY that you've been having to contain in special titanium caged underwear. Hang on for the ride of your life. A warning though, there will be screaming and not the good kind. There's also a very good chance if she lives, she'll leave you.