Spam-a-Palooza

spam n. Unsolicited e-mail, often of a commercial nature, sent indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups; junk e-mail. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Spam

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Aged Spam

Originally posted on Fizzle and Pop 01/11/2005. Heavily modified to make it better.

My comments in green:

From: Refreshed A. Rightness (A solid Christian name if ever I read one)
Subject: Wakey wakey! (Eggs and bakey!)
Date: January 8, 2005 7:21:17 AM MST
To: Collin

Good evening, (Morning. Whatever.)

Dear Friend, (Do I know you?)

If you would like to make love with one (or more) women who are almost crazy to have sex with you, this will be the most exciting message you will ever read.

(Are you kidding? They would have to be almost crazy to not want to! And I would have to be almost crazy to miss out on this message! Oh, the near insanity! By the way, would those "(or more)" be at one time?! Good golly, this IS exciting! Possibly the MOST EXCITING thingie whatsit.)

Here is why.

(Do tell! My heart is racing from the excitement! And to keep my blood pumping so I don't die, of course. But mainly excitement!)

Julie Paris (no relation to that other young woman named Paris) is a lesbian who lives in Miami Beach, Florida. (Good thing you cleared that up. I would hate to confuse a nice, wholesome lesbian living it up in Miami Beach with a spoiled rich vapid slut.) Actually, she is bi-sexual... (Did you think about this before you sat down to write? "Actually, honestly, she's a martian and only uses sex to attract food.") but... she hardly ever "wastes her time" with men. (Um. We seem to be off topic. Excitement waning.) That's because (according to her) (says you) most men just don't have a clue about how to satisfy a woman in bed. (Professor Tongue in the Labia with the Clitoris.)

For years, Julie has studied chemistry and its biological effect on women. (Translation: She spent her college years smoking weed and luring doe-eyed innocents up to her room to help her "research"..."Trust me, it's for science!") She is responsible for creating many of the top cosmetic products in the entire world. (Like "Cold Cream" and... um... "Q-Tips". And that thing that curls your eyelashes. "Bean farts".) But now, she has created a product called "Fire Play" (I hope this isn't just putting a lit match to bean farts.) that makes almost all women...

Instantly Horny! (Oh it's not! It's so not! Lighting off bean farts never "makes almost all women... Instantly Horny!" In fact, it hardly makes any woman... Instantly Horny! My excitement has returned and it is stronger than EVER! Whooboy.)

Click here to learn more about this product! (Don't bother clicking there since I didn't link it.)

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And that was the end of it. Kinda sudden if you ask me. IF Julie Paris is real and IF she really has made a product that will do all this says, then I apologize for my flippant comments. HAHAhahaHAHA!

Heh.

For what it's worth a search of "Julie Paris Cosmetics" on Google turned up nothing relevant. BUT "Julie Paris Cosmetic" (no 's') turned up THIS site. Very interesting and offering great snapshot of what it is to be crazy with access to a keyboard and the web.

I love this quote: "Plus, I also think after you read this website, you will realize... without any question whatsoever... that when it comes to writing website copy (or any other kind of copy) I am truly the "800 pound guerrilla" who can walk through the valley with no fear of competition whatsoever."

Your 800 pound gorilla is powerless against my pocket black hole! "Ook-ook-shhhhlurp!"

According to his main page, he's quite litigious and concerned about his "newsletters" being used without first paying him gobs of cash:

"Don't even think about reproducing and/or selling... even one sentence... of these letters in any form whatsoever. They are all copyrighted and, if you do rip them off, I guarantee you will have a "legal experience" so unpleasant... it will give you nightmares forever!"

So there you go. I'm risking nightmares forever to entertain you. I hope you're happy.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Banking Scam Spam: Garden Variety...

From: "Dirty Nigerian Scammer"
Subject: From: Mr. Eric Ojukwu.
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 16:44:40 +0000

From:Mr. Eric Ojukwu.
Telephone:+229 97096914.
Personal email: eric_ojukwu@excite.com

Deer Knight, which is TOTALLY like the Batman of the animal world. Or bat-deer. Seriously, it's like a buck all dressed in black with BAT EARS and...Oh, right, on with the spam.

I am a staff , ...daddy was a cop... and work with a bank ...on the east side of Chicago... (one of the African leading African leading? What are you, the peid piper of Nigeria? banks in the West Coast. the west coast OF WHAT? I am writing following an opportunity in my office that will be of immense benefit to both of us someone TOTALLY left a pizza in the breakroom!. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of £10.5million British Pounds Sterling shit, that's WAY better than a pizza...Tell me more, dude (Ten million five hundred thousand British Pounds) in an account that belongs to now read this next bit carefully one of lost his life in the plane crash THE plane crash. We have one plane. It crash. which crashed yeah, um...figured that part out from "plane crash" on January 31 2000, including his wife and only daughter.

Since we got information about his death (the pizza guy broke the news) , we have been expecting his next of kin or relatives to come over we left the front door open and everything! Ok, to be fair, we may have locked the screen door, but with hella big stacks of British pound monies lying around, you can't be too careful and claim his money because let's face it, we gots his monies, man! we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceasedas WTF, is that Spanish? Deceasedas...Are those those bugs that make all that damn noise? indicated in our banking guidelines. STICK TO THE CODE!

Unfortunately I learnt pizza guy again that his supposed next of kin being his only daughter wait for it died NOOOO! Not the DAUGHTER! Not his ONLY DAUGHTER! I didn't see that com...Oh, wait...Yes I did. You told me that earlier...Right, carry on along with him in the plane crash one plane, crash, we walk everywhere now, blah blah blah leaving nobody with the knowledge of this fund and OH THE KNOWLEDGE IT CONTAINS! Cures for both cancer and the HIV! Winning lotto numbers! The secret formula for Coke®! The locations of celebrity homes! behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and two other officials in this department call "dibs" on this dude's cash now decided to make business with you 'cause, you know, we think you're pretty cool and we read your blog from time to time and hey, no foolin', we know you need the monies and release the money to you as the next of kin woo hoo or beneficiary that works too of the funds for safety keeping I safety keep things for strange foreigners ALL THE TIME! So like one time I was at the airport and this guy with a towel on his head is all like "hey, watch my luggage" and I'm like "safety keeping is MY middle name!" I tried to explain that to the TSA people, they wouldn't listen...Anyway, go ahead... and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it we TOTALLY left that front door open for TWO WHOLE DAYS, MAN! And it was COLD and we don't want this money to go back into Government treasury as unclaimed bill Yeah! Stick it to the MAN! The government would probably just blow it on hookers and beer anyway.The banking law and guidelines here stipulates that such money remained after six years the money will be transferred into banking treasury as unclaimed funds I think I get it, dude, no need to repeat yourself, Mel Tillis.

We agreed that 35% of this money will be for you as foreign partner Next of Kin, Beneficiary, Safety Keeper, Foreign Partner: I like them all!, 10% for reimbursement to both parties for incidental expenses like when we have you fly out here so's we can brain you with a bat or something equally as deadly that may be incurred in the course of the transaction for insurance, phone bills and taxes etc while the balance will be for me and my colleagues AND the pizza dude! I will visit your country it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there...Wait, um...What I meant was... for the disbursement according to the percentages indicated above once this money gets into your account Wait...The money goes into MY account? 35% now equals 100%. Pleasure doing business with you. Please be honest to me I HAVE been meaning to have a chat with you...You know, things have changed recently between us. I want you to know that it's not YOU, it's Me...*sigh* this is always so hard...Oh, no...DON'T YOU CRY ON ME. See, that's why we can't talk anymore... and trust is our watchword I prefer "BACAW! BACAW!" like in the 3 Amigos in this transaction. Note this transaction is confidential and risk free and, for a limited time, we WON'T shoot you in the back of the head during our third meeting. As soon as you receive this mail which is like...you know...NOW you should contact me by reply mail by...you know...HITTING "REPLY".Please note that all necessary arrangement for the smooth release of these funds we fed the funds Ex-Lax without it knowing to you has been finalized even though...you know...you JUST now heard of us.

We will discuss much in details when I do receive your response things like whether blunt trauma or knife wounds tend to kill you faster.

Best regards,
Mr. Eric Ojukwu.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Spam! Spam Straight From Email HELL!..

So our old buddy Collin recently set up a site (this one, ironically enough) which he (lovingly) calls "Spam-A-Palooza" that he envisions as a repository of posts which do nothing more than "make fun of the spam emails," an activity which he is more than adept at. For reasons which are, as yet "unknown," I agreed to become part of this Spam-A-Palooza thing. Of course, I soon realized after agreeing to such things that I never actually READ any of the metric assload (seriously, I get THOUSANDS per day) of spam emails which flood every inbox I own. Verily, thanks to the ever expanding capability of "filters" which are available for emails nowadays, most (if not all) of the aforementioned deluge of unwanted electronic missives are ferried magically away from my virgin eyes to rot in email Hell, never to be viewed by the likes of me. It became clear to me, though, ('cause I ain't no dummy) that if I WERE to join in and make fun of spam, I might actually have to travel deep into the bowels of the aforementioned electronic missive Hades, retrieve a handful of vile solicitations and bring them back with me for the dissection and the postings and such.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to make fun of some spam email today, dig? Good. Here we go:
my comments are the ones in "red"
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From: shittyspammer@shitmail.com
Subject: SPAM-MED: Processing Judicial Judgments Note how the mail program here where we work conveniently alerts me that this particular message has a "medium chance" of being "spam." Gee, what gave you the first idea, computer program? I don't know, I would've given this one a "high," but that's just me...
Date: August 20, 2006 4:34:59 AM MDT
To: me, sadly...

Hello Lori, Hello! (I often just answer to whatever name someone wants to call me, I hate to correct people, it makes them feel bad...)

6 months ago I was let go from my employment I held for what seemed like forever. but it WASN'T, right? If it SEEMED like forever, then you must've hated it! In that case, I'm so glad you got let go! Its hard to thank you enough for establishing me in this new enterprise You're welcome, I pride myself on being a pimp who takes care of both his bitches AND his hos. I won't rough you up too often if you remember to give me my damn money.... You have given me a new start on life. Already realizing twice as much as I realized in my old job. Indeed, all that time on her back gives her a chance to think deeply and philosophically. Once realization sets in, though, it's all downhill from there...

I took delivey I've never taken a delivey before, are they heavy? of a 2005 Jag JAG? in '05? Was that like...Season 10 when Harm and Mac got it on? It's out on DVD already? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!? Secretly, I was always rooting for the chubby guy with no legs or maybe the admiral to get it on with Mac but...I digress.... Taking home 150,000US in 18 months Where's MY money, ho?. I am having a great time in this career You were cut out for it from the start. It is a blast and I am a hero to the judges and to my clientele I gave you the street in front of the courthouse for a reason. Now where's my money?. What an outstanding business to be in.

Carefully following exactly what your instructions recommends me to do, is working out perfectly In, out. repeat if necessary. Simple, expedient, to the point. I go to the court house and locate all of the clientele I can handle I'll bet you do. Now where's my damn money?.

I avail myself of your advanced reporting services to find all assets Bitch, it's called a CELL PHONE and a TRICK, get it right. Then the funds arrive to my PO Box Where's my...Oh, right. In your Box...Sneaky.... Its like magic . Every day is like Christmas Sounds like you and I celebrate Christmas just a wee bit different from each other but what the hell....

I can take a holiday when ever I have the notion to do so. Germany and river cruise up the Rein this year HEY! Don't forget to charge for that, it's like $300 extra!.
Show this letter to others.I'm one step ahead of you. This profession is so huge it needs many more of us assisting the courts and the people who have been hurt Competition is tough, though. You gots to EARN your corner.

Sincerely,
Carolyn T.
This might be you! But only if you ACT NOW! Hit us up at ValuHo at room 5 in the...
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So there you go, a weak attempt at making fun of spam instead of...you know...something better. As always, thanks for stopping by - you all have a fine weekend...