Spam-a-Palooza

spam n. Unsolicited e-mail, often of a commercial nature, sent indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups; junk e-mail. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Spam

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Aged Spam

Originally posted on Fizzle and Pop 01/11/2005. Heavily modified to make it better.

My comments in green:

From: Refreshed A. Rightness (A solid Christian name if ever I read one)
Subject: Wakey wakey! (Eggs and bakey!)
Date: January 8, 2005 7:21:17 AM MST
To: Collin

Good evening, (Morning. Whatever.)

Dear Friend, (Do I know you?)

If you would like to make love with one (or more) women who are almost crazy to have sex with you, this will be the most exciting message you will ever read.

(Are you kidding? They would have to be almost crazy to not want to! And I would have to be almost crazy to miss out on this message! Oh, the near insanity! By the way, would those "(or more)" be at one time?! Good golly, this IS exciting! Possibly the MOST EXCITING thingie whatsit.)

Here is why.

(Do tell! My heart is racing from the excitement! And to keep my blood pumping so I don't die, of course. But mainly excitement!)

Julie Paris (no relation to that other young woman named Paris) is a lesbian who lives in Miami Beach, Florida. (Good thing you cleared that up. I would hate to confuse a nice, wholesome lesbian living it up in Miami Beach with a spoiled rich vapid slut.) Actually, she is bi-sexual... (Did you think about this before you sat down to write? "Actually, honestly, she's a martian and only uses sex to attract food.") but... she hardly ever "wastes her time" with men. (Um. We seem to be off topic. Excitement waning.) That's because (according to her) (says you) most men just don't have a clue about how to satisfy a woman in bed. (Professor Tongue in the Labia with the Clitoris.)

For years, Julie has studied chemistry and its biological effect on women. (Translation: She spent her college years smoking weed and luring doe-eyed innocents up to her room to help her "research"..."Trust me, it's for science!") She is responsible for creating many of the top cosmetic products in the entire world. (Like "Cold Cream" and... um... "Q-Tips". And that thing that curls your eyelashes. "Bean farts".) But now, she has created a product called "Fire Play" (I hope this isn't just putting a lit match to bean farts.) that makes almost all women...

Instantly Horny! (Oh it's not! It's so not! Lighting off bean farts never "makes almost all women... Instantly Horny!" In fact, it hardly makes any woman... Instantly Horny! My excitement has returned and it is stronger than EVER! Whooboy.)

Click here to learn more about this product! (Don't bother clicking there since I didn't link it.)

---

And that was the end of it. Kinda sudden if you ask me. IF Julie Paris is real and IF she really has made a product that will do all this says, then I apologize for my flippant comments. HAHAhahaHAHA!

Heh.

For what it's worth a search of "Julie Paris Cosmetics" on Google turned up nothing relevant. BUT "Julie Paris Cosmetic" (no 's') turned up THIS site. Very interesting and offering great snapshot of what it is to be crazy with access to a keyboard and the web.

I love this quote: "Plus, I also think after you read this website, you will realize... without any question whatsoever... that when it comes to writing website copy (or any other kind of copy) I am truly the "800 pound guerrilla" who can walk through the valley with no fear of competition whatsoever."

Your 800 pound gorilla is powerless against my pocket black hole! "Ook-ook-shhhhlurp!"

According to his main page, he's quite litigious and concerned about his "newsletters" being used without first paying him gobs of cash:

"Don't even think about reproducing and/or selling... even one sentence... of these letters in any form whatsoever. They are all copyrighted and, if you do rip them off, I guarantee you will have a "legal experience" so unpleasant... it will give you nightmares forever!"

So there you go. I'm risking nightmares forever to entertain you. I hope you're happy.

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