Spam-a-Palooza

spam n. Unsolicited e-mail, often of a commercial nature, sent indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups; junk e-mail. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Spam

Friday, September 08, 2006

Spam! Spam Straight From Email HELL!..

So our old buddy Collin recently set up a site (this one, ironically enough) which he (lovingly) calls "Spam-A-Palooza" that he envisions as a repository of posts which do nothing more than "make fun of the spam emails," an activity which he is more than adept at. For reasons which are, as yet "unknown," I agreed to become part of this Spam-A-Palooza thing. Of course, I soon realized after agreeing to such things that I never actually READ any of the metric assload (seriously, I get THOUSANDS per day) of spam emails which flood every inbox I own. Verily, thanks to the ever expanding capability of "filters" which are available for emails nowadays, most (if not all) of the aforementioned deluge of unwanted electronic missives are ferried magically away from my virgin eyes to rot in email Hell, never to be viewed by the likes of me. It became clear to me, though, ('cause I ain't no dummy) that if I WERE to join in and make fun of spam, I might actually have to travel deep into the bowels of the aforementioned electronic missive Hades, retrieve a handful of vile solicitations and bring them back with me for the dissection and the postings and such.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to make fun of some spam email today, dig? Good. Here we go:
my comments are the ones in "red"
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From: shittyspammer@shitmail.com
Subject: SPAM-MED: Processing Judicial Judgments Note how the mail program here where we work conveniently alerts me that this particular message has a "medium chance" of being "spam." Gee, what gave you the first idea, computer program? I don't know, I would've given this one a "high," but that's just me...
Date: August 20, 2006 4:34:59 AM MDT
To: me, sadly...

Hello Lori, Hello! (I often just answer to whatever name someone wants to call me, I hate to correct people, it makes them feel bad...)

6 months ago I was let go from my employment I held for what seemed like forever. but it WASN'T, right? If it SEEMED like forever, then you must've hated it! In that case, I'm so glad you got let go! Its hard to thank you enough for establishing me in this new enterprise You're welcome, I pride myself on being a pimp who takes care of both his bitches AND his hos. I won't rough you up too often if you remember to give me my damn money.... You have given me a new start on life. Already realizing twice as much as I realized in my old job. Indeed, all that time on her back gives her a chance to think deeply and philosophically. Once realization sets in, though, it's all downhill from there...

I took delivey I've never taken a delivey before, are they heavy? of a 2005 Jag JAG? in '05? Was that like...Season 10 when Harm and Mac got it on? It's out on DVD already? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!? Secretly, I was always rooting for the chubby guy with no legs or maybe the admiral to get it on with Mac but...I digress.... Taking home 150,000US in 18 months Where's MY money, ho?. I am having a great time in this career You were cut out for it from the start. It is a blast and I am a hero to the judges and to my clientele I gave you the street in front of the courthouse for a reason. Now where's my money?. What an outstanding business to be in.

Carefully following exactly what your instructions recommends me to do, is working out perfectly In, out. repeat if necessary. Simple, expedient, to the point. I go to the court house and locate all of the clientele I can handle I'll bet you do. Now where's my damn money?.

I avail myself of your advanced reporting services to find all assets Bitch, it's called a CELL PHONE and a TRICK, get it right. Then the funds arrive to my PO Box Where's my...Oh, right. In your Box...Sneaky.... Its like magic . Every day is like Christmas Sounds like you and I celebrate Christmas just a wee bit different from each other but what the hell....

I can take a holiday when ever I have the notion to do so. Germany and river cruise up the Rein this year HEY! Don't forget to charge for that, it's like $300 extra!.
Show this letter to others.I'm one step ahead of you. This profession is so huge it needs many more of us assisting the courts and the people who have been hurt Competition is tough, though. You gots to EARN your corner.

Sincerely,
Carolyn T.
This might be you! But only if you ACT NOW! Hit us up at ValuHo at room 5 in the...
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So there you go, a weak attempt at making fun of spam instead of...you know...something better. As always, thanks for stopping by - you all have a fine weekend...

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