spam n. Unsolicited e-mail, often of a commercial nature, sent indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups; junk e-mail.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Hooked On Banking Scam Spam Vol. 2-Can't Stop the Spam!..

Subject: GOOD DAY.
Date: Sat, 09 Sep 2006 10:40:11 +0100 (BST)
STANDARD BANK LONDON Pretty official so far...
5TH FLOOR CANNON BRIDGE HOUSE ooh, doesn't THAT sound regal?
EC4R 2SB UNITED KINDOM. Aaaand...Crap. "Kindom?" What the fuck is a kindom? This guy must have next of kin on his dirty Nigerian brain...Anyhow, let's begin:

GOOD DAY TO YOU, And a fine day to you, but please, don't shout so.

MY NAME IS MR. DON NEWPORT, Hi there, Donny! WORKING WITH THE MINING FINANCE DEPT. WITH STANDARD BANK LONDON. Conveniently located in the United KINdom. Seven locations in the Swinging London Metro Area to Serve all of your fraudulent banking needs!

WE HAD A FOREIGN CUSTOMER go figure WHO DEPOSITED A HUGE SUM OF MONEY no WAY WITH OUR BANK, WHO LATER DIED you don't say AS A RESULT OF PLANE CRASH hey, these guys only have the one plane, too! IN 1999. BEFORE HIS DEATH at the gear of that vile plane, HE TRANSFERED THE SUM OF US$26.5M did you say "US?" (TWENTY-SIX MILLION FIVE HUNDREDTHOUSAND UNITED SATES DOLLARS OH! OH! My prayers, they have been answered! No more will I have to handle Hella big stacks of British pound monies! It's finally time for the real folding monies! AMERICAN DOLLARS! Oh hot shit, when can we get started?) TO A BANK IN AMSTERDAM, HOLLAND. just a guess: he was planning on spending it on dope, hookers and pomme frites (with mayonnaise), not necessarily in that order (and not necessarily just on the pomme frites)

SINCE THE DEATH OF THIS CUSTOMER Lousy foreigner that he was, I PERSONALLY HAVE WATCHED WITH KEEN INTEREST See, I had him in my "ghoul pool" TO SEE THE NEXT OF KIN had them too BUT ALL HAS PROVED ABORTIVE AS NO ONE HAS COME TO CLAIM HIS FUNDS OF ohh, tell it slow US oh yeah $26.5M OH yeah (TWENTY-SIX MILLION YES! FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND YES! YES! UNITED STATES DOLLARS Oh sweet JESUS! YES! yes! um...oh...sorry...go on.) WHICH HAS BEEN WITH THE BANK IN HOLLAND dope, hookers, slathered in mayonnaise FOR A VERY LONG TIME since 1999, even!. ON THIS NOTE I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR WHOSE NAME SHALL BE USED AS THE NEXT OF KIN AS NO ONE HAS COME UP TO BE THE NEXT OF KIN because there HAS to be a next of kin! This is the united KINdom, for Christ's sake! What kind of empire would we be here if we didn't have A NEXT OF KIN!? Seriusly, I'm asking....

IN VIEW OF THIS I GOT YOUR CONTACT THROUGH MY COUNTRY'S FOREIGN TRADE MISSION 'cause, you know, you do so much trading with us foreginers AFTER I WAS CONVINCED BY PROVIDENCE she works in shipping and receiving, we go out for drinks from time to time THAT YOU COULD BE USED and by "used," of course we mean "bludgeoned to death for your monies" AS THE NEXT OF KIN. In fact, you, currently, are in a state of "Next of KINdom!" Ha ha! Get it? A little scammer humor! Ha ha...Why aren't you laughing, dammit?

THE REQUEST OF THE FOREIGNER AS A NEXT OF KIN IN THIS BUSINESS IS OCCASIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER and you all look alike, so... AND YOU SHARE THE SAME SURNAME your surname, for the purposes of this transaction, is Pfaltergrast. Seriously, you better learn to spell it, there'll be "documents" for you to sign, AND SOMEBODY IN LONDON CANNOT STAND AS THE NEXT OF KIN 'cause, DUH, we ain't foreigners! TO OUR LATE CUSTOMER plane fall down, go boom. I AGREED THAT US$5 MILLION wait, what? OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS A FOREIGN PARTNER well, thanks...but... FOR PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT sure, I can do that, but..., WHILE THE REST WILL BE FOR ME you greedy ASSHOLE! THEM'S AMERICAN DOLLARS AND THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR ME! You dirty...AAAAAAHHHHHH! Dammit!, THEREAFTER, I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY FOR DISBURSEMENT oh, you'll get your "disbursement," pal! You'll get disbursed right upside your foreign head...Measly 5 million, you asshole... AS I AM ALMOST DUE FOR RETIREMENT and you'll retire, by God...I'll see to it PERSONALLY.

I WILL NOT FAIL TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT THIS BUSINESS IS HITCH-FREE Oh, well that makes all the difference then! You go ahead, take $21.5 million American folding dollars for you whilst I get $5 million. Without hitches, I feel so much better! AND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEAR you should HAVE fear. Don't get me wrong, you should be as fearful as ever: just do not entertain that fear. No singing, no dancing, no jokes and FOR GOD'S SAKE, no fucking Vaudeville acts...I hate it when fear is entertained AS THE WHOLE REQUIRED ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN MADE FOR THE YOU SHOULD CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THIS EMAIL OR CALL ME ON MY NUMBER +44 704 0128295. I'm putting you in my address book right now, dirty scammer!

TRUSTING TO HEAR FROM YOU. Keep on trusting, pal...

YOURS RESPECTFULLY, Mine? Cool! It's like the first Valentine I've received in YEARS!
MR. DON NEWPORT Foreign scammer extraordinaire
+44 704 012 8295

Monday, October 09, 2006

Most acccurate subject line ever.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Spam-A-Lama Ding Dong...

my comments are in the red, as per usual
From: ""
Subject: Please, Send them your contacts information
Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:48:06 +0000

Hello Dear Freind Hello, dirty spam scammer who hasn't mastered the whole 'I before E' thing yet

Am writing to informed you that i have new arrarangement for your cheque draft Abhorrent grammar aside, I am intrigued by this draft you speak of. Am I set to acquire hella big stacks of British Pound Monies?. as I went to the bank to confirm if the Cheque has expired or getting near to expire and Mr.Okey Odunze Mr. Okey-Dokey? Are you just making this up as you go along? the Director of Financial Trust Bank told me that before the cheque will get to your hand that it will expire DAMN MY PROCASTINATION PRONE HAND!. So I told him to cash the $2.000.000 UNITED STATES DOLLARS Um...$2.000.000? It seems that we have yet to master DECIMAL POINTS as well. That's like...two bucks. Hell, who am I to complain, it's foldin' money, right? to cash payment to avoid losting I've losted many things in my life, but losting funds is the worstest this funds. However, all the necessary arrangement of delivering the $2.000.000 UNITED STATES DOLLARS plus, it IS customary in this country to SCREAM the amount of money IN UNITED STATES DOLLARS anytime you discuss a transaction in cash was made with GLOBAL DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE please, don't shout here in Cotonou Benin Republic Where the fuck is THAT? Is that anywhere near "African America?". Mr.Okey Odunze Whom I like already, just based on his name. I bet he answers every question - EVERY question - with 'okey dokey!' It's like an inside joke there at Financial Trust Bank (of African America) the Director of Financial Trust Bank Cotonou have to package the sum of $2.000.000 in cash OOH, ACTUALLY...Actually, can I get my two bucks U.S. in quarters? I wanted to hit the arcade later. for me. Then he also agreed Okey-dokey! to help me to Register the Consignment with GLOBAL DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE Seriously, you're hurting my ears. Infact I thank God very much for all the movement I made Hey, is this an appropriate time to be talking about your toilet goings-on? Man, I KNOW you've been constipated, but c'mon...Right in the middle of a financial transaction?, every thing goes normally It was the BeneFiber, wasn't it?. As for our agreement with the Global Diplomatic Courier Service FINALLY! Thank you for calming down...Must've been that bowel movement they promised that your consignment will leave this Country on wenesday We don't have that day in our country...We have a 'WEDNESDAY,' you backward ass-clown, but no 'wenesday' this week, But the Director of the GLOBAL DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE Oh for fuck's sake, SETTLE DOWN! said that they need your contacts informations but I don't wear contacts to able them meet up with you immediately and kill me all the quicker, I'm sure the Diplomat Agent arrived to your Country.

Please write a letter of application to the given address below, with its registration number GLOBAL/MTM/PED/214/2006
ATTN: Isaac Nnamah Na Na Na? Hey hey hey. Goodbye.
EMAIL: Damn Frenchies

Please, Send them your contacts information to able them locate you immediately they arrived in your country with your BOX .This is what they need from you.
1. YOUR FULL NAME All the better to call out whilst we hunt you down with a blunt object...
2.YOUR HOME ADDRESS. All the better to be able to use GPS to hunt your ass down. Again, with blunt objects...
3.YOUR CURRENT HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER. All the better to call you up to let you know that DEATH awaits ye with big sharp pointy BLUNT OBJECTS!..Wait, um...
4.YOUR CURRENT OFFICE TELEPHONE. So we can call in 'dead' for you...Aren't we courteous? We ARE courteous. You love us already. GIVE US BRITISH POUND MONIES!
5.A COPY OF YOUR PICTURE because, seriously...Bludgeoning the wrong person and stealing their monies gets us in HELLA TROUBLE with the boss.

Please make sure you send this needed infos And maybe also directions to hardware stores that sell the blunt objects in your area to the Director general of Global diplomatic Courier service Dr.Isaac Nnamah Nanana! with the address given to you. Note. Global diplomatic Courier service don't know the contents of the Box They so stupid, the think 'dat the box has bunnies! They funny to watch handle so fragile! Ha ha ha!. I registered it as a BOX of an Africa cloths As a whatthefuck?. They don't know it contents money again, 'cause they so stupid. this is to avoid them delaying with the BOX you know, like at strip clubs or at hardware stores. don't let them know that is money that is in that Box really pretend it is an Africa cloths. When you get BOX, you may have to start wearing some of the monies (all two bucks) like on your head or as a loin cloths to fool them. It'll work, too. I am waiting for your urgent response which, likely, will be a (very urgent) 'fuck off'.

Thanks and Remain Blessed Um...You too.
Jerry Moore What an oddly American name for a foreign scammer...
So there you go: more spam from the shitty spam vault. You all enjoy your Tuesday now...