spam n. Unsolicited e-mail, often of a commercial nature, sent indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists, individuals, or newsgroups; junk e-mail.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

They Work Rapidly - Yesterday's Tradgedy is Today's Spam Email...

From: Barrister Morgan John Perhaps you have your fake names switched up a bit there, eh, Morgan?
To: me!
Subject: Read carefully....

Dear Mr /Mrs Knight, Hey! Make up your mind! What if I were a Miss or a Ms.? Huh? I mean, God Forbid you don't have ALL your bases covered, dirty spammer!

Re: Next of kin to my late client Eng. Adams Knight. And the "Eng" stands for...what? "England?" "Engineer?" "ENGRISH?"

With due respect, trust and humility, I write to you you don't say irrespective of the fact that you do not know me you don't say, but please do consider this letter as a request from a person in dare need go ahead, need something. I DARE you... of assistance from a trust worthy person barkin' up the wrong tree, pal. I'm way more likely to steal your monies as look at you. And I don't really feel like looking at you. You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you don't know me personally again, you don't say. I do like how you're trying so damn hard to reenforce that fact. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. For the REALS.

I am Barrister Morgan John (The man of two first names, as I am known in my country), a solicitor ohhh, NOW I get why you're called Morgan JOHN...Solicitaion!at law; I am was the personal attorney to late Eng.Adams Knight (known in our country as 'he of two last names'), who used to work with shell - Development Company in Nigeria no shit, really? Nigeria sounds like such a magical place. So full of lost monies just looking for a home. I must visit someday.. Hereinafter shall be referred to as my client. On April 25th 2005 note: that was YESTERDAY, my client, his wife and three children were involved in a train accident should've taken the plane in Japan during their visit to Japan you don't say. Often times, i find my Japanese accidents happening while visiting Korea. Japan is sneaky sneaky like that which all the families were dead lucky day to be a single guy on the train. Here is some news about the train accident:

there was a link about this train accident which happened YESTERDAY in Japan. Lots of folks dead. All official and such.

Since then since YESTER-FUCKING-DAY you mean? I have made several at least two enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my client's extended relatives the ones with pryopism, I mean, but this has also proved unsuccessful 5 minutes of work trying to find some relatives sounds like hard work! You must be bushed. Take a break, have some lemonade. After several two, maybe three AT LEAST attempts to locate a member of his family, hence I contacted you since you gots that name thing in common and, Hell, you smell trustworthy. I am contacting you to assist me repatriating 'cause damn that fucking money...It's become so unpatriotic in the past year, dissing the states, burning flags, doing kamikaze shooters...Dirty treasonous bastard monies. the money and properties left behind by my client you know, YESTERDAY before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable to the bank here this huge deposit were lodge um...what? I have a prediction...You keep sending out the spam, you'll soon find a 'huge deposit' 'lodge' somewhere quite uncomfortable. Got it, Sparky?. Particularly, the bank where the diseased he had a disease? OH! You mean the 'deceased.' Damn you and your flimsy grasp on my language. Eff off, spammer had an account valued at [12.5million dollars] oh shit, 12.5 million in BRACKETS? shit, that's a lot of cash without the brackets but...SHIT! IN BRACKETS!? You have my attention now has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days which may really be 15 to 17 UNOFFICIAL working days, there's a weekend coming up and LORD KNOWS what kind of weird national holidays we have here in Nigeria.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relative for the past years or the PAST FUCKING DAY! It's been ONE GODDAMN DAY! You lazy sumbitch, now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to my late client gorsh, why not? After all, how many next-of-kins am I now...Damn, I think I've run out of fingers with which to COUNT the occurences!. Since you both have the same surname you don't say and you are capable of doing this transaction. So that the proceeds of this account valued at bracketed [12.5miilion dollars] can be paid to you, then you and I can share the money 60% for me and 30% for you Huh? 30/60? that...That doesn't even add up! I mean, 30% of 12.5 (bracketed) meeeelion ain't bad, but why does YOUR dumb ass get 60!? I'm offended, sir, and I don't mind saying so!, while 5% will be used to offset all the expenses incurred in the course of this transaction including tax and 5% for the poor in your country oh, now I've got to be the bad guy for not wanting the 'poor in my country' to get 5%? Eff those bums, tell 'em to get a job. I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up our claims oh, I'm sure you do. All i require is your honest co-operation heh to enable us seeing this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement of course, I expect nothing less that will protect you from any breach of the law except for the obvious theft of 12.5 (bracketed) MEELION U.S. dollars from some dead fella' whom I've never heard of. Outside of that, the whole thing sounds clean as a whistle!.

Please get in touch with me by my email and send the following information to me.
Your full name of course, so you can efficiently look me up
Residential address so that, when paired with my name, you can swiftly find me and kill me
Phone and fax numbers to enable us discuss further about this transaction. so you can blow smoke up my ass prior to killing me

Looking forward to your prompt response. And here it is! 'blow it out your ass, Mr. John!'
Best regards to you and your family.

Thank you. You're quite welcome.
Barrister Morgan 'honest' John


Monday, April 16, 2007

The "Anti-Nigerian" Nigerian Spam Scam...

Here's a little email I received earlier today...As always, my comments are the ones in red.
Subject:Truth of the matter is that this shit is spam

ATTN:HON CONTRACTOR by "Hon," I hope to Hell that you mean "honorable" and that you're not just calling me "hon" like short for "honey buns" or "honey cheeks" or (please, God, no) "honey nuts"
AFTER WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU keep fucking waiting OR YOUR NIGERIAN PARTNER like I said, kee...Hey, wait, what? FOR A LONG TIME NOW, I have a Nigerian partner? I DECIDED TO MAKE THIS DIRECT APPROACH as opposed to skulking around in the bushes, tossing pebbles at your window in hopes of catching a fleeting glimpse at you in your nightgown TO YOU AS MY NEW RESOLUTION also: quitting smoking, losing weight and not stealing so much British Pound Monies IN OTHER NOT TO LET IT BE AS IF I HAVE ANYTHING IN MIND AGAINST YOU ok, lost me. I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU HAVE ASKED YOURSELF WHY EACH TIME THE RELEASE OF THIS FUND IS APPROVED, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE PAYMENT WILL BE STOPPED Well, I can tell you that I HAVE asked myself "WTF?" for a while now. I mean, I do all that these people ask of me, I send my monies and such and still: no Hella' big stacks of monies appear in MY bank account(s) OR ONE PROBLEM OR THE OTHER WILL COME UP IF YOU HAVE NOT ASKED THIS QUESTION OR YOU DO NOT KNOW, or perhaps you are of the "special" variety and have taken an interest in licking windows to pass the time THE THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO TELL YOU. I feel 'de gossips a-comin' on

SOME TIME AGO, YOUR NIGERIAN FRIENDS, if you can call them "friends." They never call, they never write...They never send hella' big stacks of British Pound monies... I MEAN THE PEOPLE THAT INTRODUCED YOU TO THE PROJECT ah, of course...wink wink..."the people" APPROACHED ME THROUGH MY DEAR WIFE as opposed to that other wife of mine who isn't near as dear and, frankly, is a bit of a bitch WHO WORK conveniently enough WITH THE MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM CONCLUDE A MONEY TRANSFER DEAL please to refresh my memory: is this the guy who was killed when the plane crashed or the other one who just up and disappeared? I mean, I AM "next of kin" (wink wink) for several individuals now THEY HAD WITH YOU. THEY REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM BY REMOVING THE ORIGINAL CONTRACTOR’S NAME, COMPANY’S NAME AND BANK PARTICULARS try "Goo Gone," that shit'll clean ANYTHING up FROM THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA hereafter known as (CBN) VETTING WTF? COMPUTER AND REPLACING THEM WITH YOUR NAME AND BANK DETAILS IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU APPEAR AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY 'cause you know that I SO am OF THIS FUND. I AGREED ON CONDITION THAT THEY WILL PAY ME U.S. $3 MILLION and buy me lunch and hey, maybe a Pop-Tart or two...Also I've always wanted a pony. OOH and a Power Wheels GRAVEDIGGER! Yeah! And... AS SOON AS YOUR NAME APPEARS AS THE BENEFICIARY. I DID AS AGREED AND DEMANDED TO BE PAID Pop-Tarts first, BUT YOUR FRIENDS right, "Friends" STARTED TELLING ME STORIES which eventually sent me off to sleep, my precious teddy bear under one arm and my thumb firmly in my mouth, THEY EVEN TOLD ME YOU PROMISED TO SEND MONEY TO ME well, they lied. As they say in my country, "cram it in your ass, pal.". DO YOU KNOW THAT UP TILL NOW, I HAVE NOT RECEIVED A SINGLE CENT FROM THEM NO! YOU DON'T SAY! Why, if I were you, I'd walk right over to their office and raise quite the stink! Not received a single cent, HOW DARE THEY!? AND HAVE NOT SET MY EYES ON ANY OF THEM? Wait, you mean you haven't set your eyes on any MONIES or any NIGERIANS? or, even worse, is this one of those horrible stories where you have a detached retina and are just looking, quite literally, to "rest your eyes?" BASED ON THEIR ATTITUDE fuckers, I DECIDED TO STOP THE FUND RELEASE MOVEMENT which was not easy...I mean, have you ever tried to just stop a BOWEL movement? Think that, but 2.5 times harder. NOT. EASY. Also, a little painful. BECAUSE I CANNOT BE DENIED OF MY RIGHT IN MY OWN OFFICE after all, a dirty spammer's office IS his castle CONSIDERING THE RISK AS IT MIGHT AFFECT MY JOB NO...You Don't say... AND I KNOW THE SOURCE OF THE FUNDS THAT YOU DID NOT EXECUTE ANY CONTRACT IN NIGERIA hey now, don't you go spreading rumors there, pal, ALTHOUGH I AM THE ONLY PERSON PRIVILEGED TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION AND IT IS A FACT. Well aren't YOU special? Wanna gold star for the day? How about a cookie?

WHY I AM MAKING THIS CLEAR TO YOU IS THAT by pretending that I'm NOT Nigerian and by BADMOUTHING Nigerians, I figure that you'll play along I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE STILL MAKING EFFORTS IN ORDER TO CONCLUDE THIS PROJECT if, by "conclude" you mean, hitting the "This is Spam" button...Well yes, yes I am. NOW I AM READY TO FORGET THE PAST.Oh, I always KNEW that you'd come back to me! I DO NOT NEED THE US$3 MILLION ANY LONGER WHEW! Now THERE'S a load off MY mind FROM YOU BUT A GOOD COMPENSATION FROM YOUR MIND how's about a nice TRIVIA question? What's black and white and red all over? WRONG! IT'S A NUN! A...uh...bloody nun...Um...Wait, I think I told it wrong...Hold up. I NEED YOUR ASSURANCE THAT THOSE COLLEAGUES Who, them Nigerians? WILL BE TOTALLY KEPT OUT OF THIS TRANSACTION which one, the me NOT paying you big stacks of U.S. Dollars? AND I KNOW THAT NONE OF THEM IS AWARE OF MY NEW APPROACH TO YOU 'cause they all so stupid and these internets are all so foreign to them and the emails? Please, don't get me started...STOP SPENDING YOUR MONEY UNNECESSARILY and start spending it WITH ME TO CBN OFFICERS HERE BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE THIS MONEY WITHOUT MY HAND IN IT and I totally mean that literally: you'll receive my severed hand. Right or left, you decide. All raw and bloody...Spooky, spooky severed hand...DON'T TRY ME, WHITE BOY! I'll SO do it. I PERSONALLY DID THE WORK AT THE BEGINNING AND ONLY ME CAN CONCLUDE IT SUCESSFULLY. Hey, newsflash, Jackson: only ME can prevent forest fires. I doubt that ONLY YOU can complete this transaction successfully. I mean, what...Are you the only cat that can READ where you live?

FINALLY, I NEED YOUR PROMISE THAT NO OFFICIAL OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA fuck them WILL BE AWARE OF MY INVOLVEMENT IN THIS TRANSACTIONS um...haven't you already fucked that up a wee bit? BECAUSE OF MY POSITION which, since you asked, is face down, ass up. That's the way we like to fuck, dontcha know?. I WANT YOU TO REASSURE ME and hold me and tell me I'm pretty THAT YOU WILL BE WILLING TO COMPENSATE ME AND THAT YOU WILL ASSIST MY WIFE TO ESTABLISH A FOREIGN ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY WHERE MY OWN PERCENTAGE WILL BE LODGED oh, you'll get something "lodged," don't you worry...I can assure you of that, pal. IF YOU AGREE, I WILL SEND YOU A KTT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS FOR YOUR ENDORSEMENT When dealing with dishonest foreigners, I ALWAYS trust KTT Fund Release Approval Documents. Whether home or abroad, KTT Documents are the Spammer's first choice! (how was that?) AFTER WHICH YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SHALL BE CREDITED WITHIN 48 HOURS THROUGH GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA CRUDE OIL RESERVE ACCOUNT with having singlehandedly brought about the fall of communism. Look, we know it's not true, but Wikipedia will buy it as a citation and you'll be hella' famous!.


EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR- CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. hey, wait! You're a dirty fucking Nigerian TOO! WHY!? WHY DO YOU LIE TO ME? And I was SO about to send off all of my monies...Oh well...


Monday, April 02, 2007

Monday Mail Blechs.

This post is rated 'M' for Mature. And 'MSA' for Mom Stay Away. It's all kinds of rated.

Sorry to do this, but if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.

The first email I opened this morning was this:

Thanks for the early morning porn-mail you penis patch pushing anonymous fucknut. Still, I think I can use this...

Random thoughts to follow.
I think it's meant to tell a story, almost like a comic strip.

Panel 1: "Gee honey, I would love to pull down your pants and blow you senseless, but really... what's the point?"

Panel 2: All the information you need to know to fix the situation, with a special guest appearance by the head of H.R. Giger's Alien because that's how we roll.

Panel 3: (Later...) "Wow! Where have you been all my life, oh tool of Satan?!"
One thing I wonder about this – apart from why they would picture a skinned weenie guaranteed to make any guy back away with his hands over his crotch and tears in his eyes – is do they think by adding the "Rx" to their product's name the potential customer might think it has some medicinal value and legitimacy? All I can say is adding Mc to nuggets doesn't make me think they're Scottish.
A patch. Why a patch? The only other chemical patch I can think of offhand is the smoking patch, and that's used to give up smoking. Shouldn't a penis patch make you give up penis? Just in case, whatever you do, don't let your lady wear one. To be safe don't even let her look at one.
"... will expand the erectile tissue longer and wider without any extra effort..." From flaccid, sure. A slight breeze can manage that. You don't even have to TRY. Slapping something on your best friend Bobby is bound to generate some activity. The question that isn't answered is, "Will this patch make Bobby grow bigger and wider than he's ever been before?" Since these people are in the business of lying and taking advantage of the insecure, I feel confident the answer they would give is, "Yes. Oh yes. Big as your freakin' arm. This check's good, right?"
For the record I don't name my 'bits', but Bobby seems like a good one. It conjures imagery that's hard to forget. Bobby. Think about it. Then, once you get it, try NOT thinking about it.
It would be awesome if you had to lick it to stick it. "Honey! Could you help me with this? I need you to lick me here, here and here. And here. Here again. Now over here. Stop complaining! I'm doing this for you!" But it's probably adhesive strips.
Picture this... taking it off after jogging.
How big is this patch? It can't be too big, because remember who it's for. Provided you have the real estate, can you apply more than one? What happens if you do? I can picture college kids sticking six of them on a friend who passed out drunk at the party. He wakes in the morning and his pants are shredded. He has to gather it up in his arms just to walk. "I can never play soccer again!"
That's probably way more than enough of that.

Have a great week everyone.