The "Anti-Nigerian" Nigerian Spam Scam...
Here's a little email I received earlier today...As always, my comments are the ones in red.
Subject:Truth of the matter is that this shit is spam
ATTN:HON CONTRACTOR by "Hon," I hope to Hell that you mean "honorable" and that you're not just calling me "hon" like short for "honey buns" or "honey cheeks" or (please, God, no) "honey nuts"
AFTER WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU keep fucking waiting OR YOUR NIGERIAN PARTNER like I said, kee...Hey, wait, what? FOR A LONG TIME NOW, I have a Nigerian partner? I DECIDED TO MAKE THIS DIRECT APPROACH as opposed to skulking around in the bushes, tossing pebbles at your window in hopes of catching a fleeting glimpse at you in your nightgown TO YOU AS MY NEW RESOLUTION also: quitting smoking, losing weight and not stealing so much British Pound Monies IN OTHER NOT TO LET IT BE AS IF I HAVE ANYTHING IN MIND AGAINST YOU ok, uh...you lost me. I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU HAVE ASKED YOURSELF WHY EACH TIME THE RELEASE OF THIS FUND IS APPROVED, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE PAYMENT WILL BE STOPPED Well, I can tell you that I HAVE asked myself "WTF?" for a while now. I mean, I do all that these people ask of me, I send my monies and such and still: no Hella' big stacks of monies appear in MY bank account(s) OR ONE PROBLEM OR THE OTHER WILL COME UP IF YOU HAVE NOT ASKED THIS QUESTION OR YOU DO NOT KNOW, or perhaps you are of the "special" variety and have taken an interest in licking windows to pass the time THE THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO TELL YOU. I feel 'de gossips a-comin' on
SOME TIME AGO, YOUR NIGERIAN FRIENDS, if you can call them "friends." They never call, they never write...They never send hella' big stacks of British Pound monies... I MEAN THE PEOPLE THAT INTRODUCED YOU TO THE PROJECT ah, of course...wink wink..."the people" APPROACHED ME THROUGH MY DEAR WIFE as opposed to that other wife of mine who isn't near as dear and, frankly, is a bit of a bitch WHO WORK conveniently enough WITH THE MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM CONCLUDE A MONEY TRANSFER DEAL please to refresh my memory: is this the guy who was killed when the plane crashed or the other one who just up and disappeared? I mean, I AM "next of kin" (wink wink) for several individuals now THEY HAD WITH YOU. THEY REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM BY REMOVING THE ORIGINAL CONTRACTOR’S NAME, COMPANY’S NAME AND BANK PARTICULARS try "Goo Gone," that shit'll clean ANYTHING up FROM THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA hereafter known as (CBN) VETTING WTF? COMPUTER AND REPLACING THEM WITH YOUR NAME AND BANK DETAILS IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU APPEAR AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY 'cause you know that I SO am OF THIS FUND. I AGREED ON CONDITION THAT THEY WILL PAY ME U.S. $3 MILLION and buy me lunch and hey, maybe a Pop-Tart or two...Also I've always wanted a pony. OOH and a Power Wheels GRAVEDIGGER! Yeah! And... AS SOON AS YOUR NAME APPEARS AS THE BENEFICIARY. I DID AS AGREED AND DEMANDED TO BE PAID Pop-Tarts first, BUT YOUR FRIENDS right, "Friends" STARTED TELLING ME STORIES which eventually sent me off to sleep, my precious teddy bear under one arm and my thumb firmly in my mouth, THEY EVEN TOLD ME YOU PROMISED TO SEND MONEY TO ME well, they lied. As they say in my country, "cram it in your ass, pal.". DO YOU KNOW THAT UP TILL NOW, I HAVE NOT RECEIVED A SINGLE CENT FROM THEM NO! YOU DON'T SAY! Why, if I were you, I'd walk right over to their office and raise quite the stink! Not received a single cent, HOW DARE THEY!? AND HAVE NOT SET MY EYES ON ANY OF THEM? Wait, you mean you haven't set your eyes on any MONIES or any NIGERIANS? or, even worse, is this one of those horrible stories where you have a detached retina and are just looking, quite literally, to "rest your eyes?" BASED ON THEIR ATTITUDE fuckers, I DECIDED TO STOP THE FUND RELEASE MOVEMENT which was not easy...I mean, have you ever tried to just stop a BOWEL movement? Think that, but 2.5 times harder. NOT. EASY. Also, a little painful. BECAUSE I CANNOT BE DENIED OF MY RIGHT IN MY OWN OFFICE after all, a dirty spammer's office IS his castle CONSIDERING THE RISK AS IT MIGHT AFFECT MY JOB NO...You Don't say... AND I KNOW THE SOURCE OF THE FUNDS THAT YOU DID NOT EXECUTE ANY CONTRACT IN NIGERIA hey now, don't you go spreading rumors there, pal, ALTHOUGH I AM THE ONLY PERSON PRIVILEGED TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION AND IT IS A FACT. Well aren't YOU special? Wanna gold star for the day? How about a cookie?
WHY I AM MAKING THIS CLEAR TO YOU IS THAT by pretending that I'm NOT Nigerian and by BADMOUTHING Nigerians, I figure that you'll play along I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE STILL MAKING EFFORTS IN ORDER TO CONCLUDE THIS PROJECT if, by "conclude" you mean, hitting the "This is Spam" button...Well yes, yes I am. NOW I AM READY TO FORGET THE PAST.Oh, I always KNEW that you'd come back to me! I DO NOT NEED THE US$3 MILLION ANY LONGER WHEW! Now THERE'S a load off MY mind FROM YOU BUT A GOOD COMPENSATION FROM YOUR MIND how's about a nice TRIVIA question? What's black and white and red all over? WRONG! IT'S A NUN! A...uh...bloody nun...Um...Wait, I think I told it wrong...Hold up. I NEED YOUR ASSURANCE THAT THOSE COLLEAGUES Who, them Nigerians? WILL BE TOTALLY KEPT OUT OF THIS TRANSACTION which one, the me NOT paying you big stacks of U.S. Dollars? AND I KNOW THAT NONE OF THEM IS AWARE OF MY NEW APPROACH TO YOU 'cause they all so stupid and these internets are all so foreign to them and the emails? Please, don't get me started...STOP SPENDING YOUR MONEY UNNECESSARILY and start spending it WITH ME TO CBN OFFICERS HERE BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE THIS MONEY WITHOUT MY HAND IN IT and I totally mean that literally: you'll receive my severed hand. Right or left, you decide. All raw and bloody...Spooky, spooky severed hand...DON'T TRY ME, WHITE BOY! I'll SO do it. I PERSONALLY DID THE WORK AT THE BEGINNING AND ONLY ME CAN CONCLUDE IT SUCESSFULLY. Hey, newsflash, Jackson: only ME can prevent forest fires. I doubt that ONLY YOU can complete this transaction successfully. I mean, what...Are you the only cat that can READ where you live?
FINALLY, I NEED YOUR PROMISE THAT NO OFFICIAL OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA fuck them WILL BE AWARE OF MY INVOLVEMENT IN THIS TRANSACTIONS um...haven't you already fucked that up a wee bit? BECAUSE OF MY POSITION which, since you asked, is face down, ass up. That's the way we like to fuck, dontcha know?. I WANT YOU TO REASSURE ME and hold me and tell me I'm pretty THAT YOU WILL BE WILLING TO COMPENSATE ME AND THAT YOU WILL ASSIST MY WIFE TO ESTABLISH A FOREIGN ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY WHERE MY OWN PERCENTAGE WILL BE LODGED oh, you'll get something "lodged," don't you worry...I can assure you of that, pal. IF YOU AGREE, I WILL SEND YOU A KTT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS FOR YOUR ENDORSEMENT When dealing with dishonest foreigners, I ALWAYS trust KTT Fund Release Approval Documents. Whether home or abroad, KTT Documents are the Spammer's first choice! (how was that?) AFTER WHICH YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SHALL BE CREDITED WITHIN 48 HOURS THROUGH GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA CRUDE OIL RESERVE ACCOUNT with having singlehandedly brought about the fall of communism. Look, we know it's not true, but Wikipedia will buy it as a citation and you'll be hella' famous!.
I AM A MAN OF MY WORD you don't say! AND IF YOU ARE READY TO CONCLUDE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME, CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A CHAT OVER THIS ISSUE BUT IF THE REVERSE IS THE CASE, what, that I don't want to conclude? I'm confused DO NOT BOTHER YOURSELF TO REACH ME AND FORGET ABOUT THIS MONEY done and done!. AWAITING YOUR PROMPT COMPLIANCE are you threatening me? AND MY BEST REGARDS.
PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR- CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. hey, wait! You're a dirty fucking Nigerian TOO! WHY!? WHY DO YOU LIE TO ME? And I was SO about to send off all of my monies...Oh well...