Spam-a-Palooza

They Work Rapidly - Yesterday's Tradgedy is Today's Spam Email...

2007-04-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

From: Barrister Morgan John Perhaps you have your fake names switched up a bit there, eh, Morgan?
To: me!
Subject: Read carefully....

Dear Mr /Mrs Knight, Hey! Make up your mind! What if I were a Miss or a Ms.? Huh? I mean, God Forbid you don't have ALL your bases covered, dirty spammer!

Re: Next of kin to my late client Eng. Adams Knight. And the "Eng" stands for...what? "England?" "Engineer?" "ENGRISH?"

With due respect, trust and humility, I write to you you don't say irrespective of the fact that you do not know me you don't say, but please do consider this letter as a request from a person in dare need go ahead, need something. I DARE you... of assistance from a trust worthy person barkin' up the wrong tree, pal. I'm way more likely to steal your monies as look at you. And I don't really feel like looking at you. You may be surprised to receive this letter from me since you don't know me personally again, you don't say. I do like how you're trying so damn hard to reenforce that fact. YOU DON'T KNOW ME. For the REALS.

I am Barrister Morgan John (The man of two first names, as I am known in my country), a solicitor ohhh, NOW I get why you're called Morgan JOHN...Solicitaion!at law; I am was the personal attorney to late Eng.Adams Knight (known in our country as 'he of two last names'), who used to work with shell - Development Company in Nigeria no shit, really? Nigeria sounds like such a magical place. So full of lost monies just looking for a home. I must visit someday.. Hereinafter shall be referred to as my client. On April 25th 2005 note: that was YESTERDAY, my client, his wife and three children were involved in a train accident should've taken the plane in Japan during their visit to Japan you don't say. Often times, i find my Japanese accidents happening while visiting Korea. Japan is sneaky sneaky like that which all the families were dead lucky day to be a single guy on the train. Here is some news about the train accident:

there was a link about this train accident which happened YESTERDAY in Japan. Lots of folks dead. All official and such.

Since then since YESTER-FUCKING-DAY you mean? I have made several at least two enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my client's extended relatives the ones with pryopism, I mean, but this has also proved unsuccessful 5 minutes of work trying to find some relatives sounds like hard work! You must be bushed. Take a break, have some lemonade. After several two, maybe three AT LEAST attempts to locate a member of his family, hence I contacted you since you gots that name thing in common and, Hell, you smell trustworthy. I am contacting you to assist me repatriating 'cause damn that fucking money...It's become so unpatriotic in the past year, dissing the states, burning flags, doing kamikaze shooters...Dirty treasonous bastard monies. the money and properties left behind by my client you know, YESTERDAY before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable to the bank here this huge deposit were lodge um...what? I have a prediction...You keep sending out the spam, you'll soon find a 'huge deposit' 'lodge' somewhere quite uncomfortable. Got it, Sparky?. Particularly, the bank where the diseased he had a disease? OH! You mean the 'deceased.' Damn you and your flimsy grasp on my language. Eff off, spammer had an account valued at [12.5million dollars] oh shit, 12.5 million in BRACKETS? shit, that's a lot of cash without the brackets but...SHIT! IN BRACKETS!? You have my attention now has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days which may really be 15 to 17 UNOFFICIAL working days, there's a weekend coming up and LORD KNOWS what kind of weird national holidays we have here in Nigeria.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relative for the past years or the PAST FUCKING DAY! It's been ONE GODDAMN DAY! You lazy sumbitch, now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to my late client gorsh, why not? After all, how many next-of-kins am I now...Damn, I think I've run out of fingers with which to COUNT the occurences!. Since you both have the same surname you don't say and you are capable of doing this transaction. So that the proceeds of this account valued at bracketed [12.5miilion dollars] can be paid to you, then you and I can share the money 60% for me and 30% for you Huh? 30/60? that...That doesn't even add up! I mean, 30% of 12.5 (bracketed) meeeelion ain't bad, but why does YOUR dumb ass get 60!? I'm offended, sir, and I don't mind saying so!, while 5% will be used to offset all the expenses incurred in the course of this transaction oh...um...ok... including tax and 5% for the poor in your country oh, what...so now I've got to be the bad guy for not wanting the 'poor in my country' to get 5%? Eff those bums, tell 'em to get a job. I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up our claims oh, I'm sure you do. All i require is your honest co-operation heh to enable us seeing this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement of course, I expect nothing less that will protect you from any breach of the law except for the obvious theft of 12.5 (bracketed) MEELION U.S. dollars from some dead fella' whom I've never heard of. Outside of that, the whole thing sounds clean as a whistle!.

Please get in touch with me by my email and send the following information to me.
Your full name of course, so you can efficiently look me up
Residential address so that, when paired with my name, you can swiftly find me and kill me
Phone and fax numbers to enable us discuss further about this transaction. so you can blow smoke up my ass prior to killing me

Looking forward to your prompt response. And here it is! 'blow it out your ass, Mr. John!'
Best regards to you and your family.

Thank you. You're quite welcome.
Barrister Morgan 'honest' John

The "Anti-Nigerian" Nigerian Spam Scam...

2007-04-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

Here's a little email I received earlier today...As always, my comments are the ones in red.

From:prof_ch_soludo_govn@yahoo.com
To:me
Subject:Truth of the matter is that this shit is spam

ATTN:HON CONTRACTOR by "Hon," I hope to Hell that you mean "honorable" and that you're not just calling me "hon" like short for "honey buns" or "honey cheeks" or (please, God, no) "honey nuts"
AFTER WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU keep fucking waiting OR YOUR NIGERIAN PARTNER like I said, kee...Hey, wait, what? FOR A LONG TIME NOW, I have a Nigerian partner? I DECIDED TO MAKE THIS DIRECT APPROACH as opposed to skulking around in the bushes, tossing pebbles at your window in hopes of catching a fleeting glimpse at you in your nightgown TO YOU AS MY NEW RESOLUTION also: quitting smoking, losing weight and not stealing so much British Pound Monies IN OTHER NOT TO LET IT BE AS IF I HAVE ANYTHING IN MIND AGAINST YOU ok, uh...you lost me. I DO NOT KNOW IF YOU HAVE ASKED YOURSELF WHY EACH TIME THE RELEASE OF THIS FUND IS APPROVED, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE PAYMENT WILL BE STOPPED Well, I can tell you that I HAVE asked myself "WTF?" for a while now. I mean, I do all that these people ask of me, I send my monies and such and still: no Hella' big stacks of monies appear in MY bank account(s) OR ONE PROBLEM OR THE OTHER WILL COME UP IF YOU HAVE NOT ASKED THIS QUESTION OR YOU DO NOT KNOW, or perhaps you are of the "special" variety and have taken an interest in licking windows to pass the time THE THIS IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO TELL YOU. I feel 'de gossips a-comin' on

SOME TIME AGO, YOUR NIGERIAN FRIENDS, if you can call them "friends." They never call, they never write...They never send hella' big stacks of British Pound monies... I MEAN THE PEOPLE THAT INTRODUCED YOU TO THE PROJECT ah, of course...wink wink..."the people" APPROACHED ME THROUGH MY DEAR WIFE as opposed to that other wife of mine who isn't near as dear and, frankly, is a bit of a bitch WHO WORK conveniently enough WITH THE MINISTRY OF FINANCE AND REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM CONCLUDE A MONEY TRANSFER DEAL please to refresh my memory: is this the guy who was killed when the plane crashed or the other one who just up and disappeared? I mean, I AM "next of kin" (wink wink) for several individuals now THEY HAD WITH YOU. THEY REQUESTED ME TO ASSIST THEM BY REMOVING THE ORIGINAL CONTRACTOR’S NAME, COMPANY’S NAME AND BANK PARTICULARS try "Goo Gone," that shit'll clean ANYTHING up FROM THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA hereafter known as (CBN) VETTING WTF? COMPUTER AND REPLACING THEM WITH YOUR NAME AND BANK DETAILS IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU APPEAR AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY 'cause you know that I SO am OF THIS FUND. I AGREED ON CONDITION THAT THEY WILL PAY ME U.S. $3 MILLION and buy me lunch and hey, maybe a Pop-Tart or two...Also I've always wanted a pony. OOH and a Power Wheels GRAVEDIGGER! Yeah! And... AS SOON AS YOUR NAME APPEARS AS THE BENEFICIARY. I DID AS AGREED AND DEMANDED TO BE PAID Pop-Tarts first, BUT YOUR FRIENDS right, "Friends" STARTED TELLING ME STORIES which eventually sent me off to sleep, my precious teddy bear under one arm and my thumb firmly in my mouth, THEY EVEN TOLD ME YOU PROMISED TO SEND MONEY TO ME well, they lied. As they say in my country, "cram it in your ass, pal.". DO YOU KNOW THAT UP TILL NOW, I HAVE NOT RECEIVED A SINGLE CENT FROM THEM NO! YOU DON'T SAY! Why, if I were you, I'd walk right over to their office and raise quite the stink! Not received a single cent, HOW DARE THEY!? AND HAVE NOT SET MY EYES ON ANY OF THEM? Wait, you mean you haven't set your eyes on any MONIES or any NIGERIANS? or, even worse, is this one of those horrible stories where you have a detached retina and are just looking, quite literally, to "rest your eyes?" BASED ON THEIR ATTITUDE fuckers, I DECIDED TO STOP THE FUND RELEASE MOVEMENT which was not easy...I mean, have you ever tried to just stop a BOWEL movement? Think that, but 2.5 times harder. NOT. EASY. Also, a little painful. BECAUSE I CANNOT BE DENIED OF MY RIGHT IN MY OWN OFFICE after all, a dirty spammer's office IS his castle CONSIDERING THE RISK AS IT MIGHT AFFECT MY JOB NO...You Don't say... AND I KNOW THE SOURCE OF THE FUNDS THAT YOU DID NOT EXECUTE ANY CONTRACT IN NIGERIA hey now, don't you go spreading rumors there, pal, ALTHOUGH I AM THE ONLY PERSON PRIVILEGED TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION AND IT IS A FACT. Well aren't YOU special? Wanna gold star for the day? How about a cookie?

WHY I AM MAKING THIS CLEAR TO YOU IS THAT by pretending that I'm NOT Nigerian and by BADMOUTHING Nigerians, I figure that you'll play along I CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE STILL MAKING EFFORTS IN ORDER TO CONCLUDE THIS PROJECT if, by "conclude" you mean, hitting the "This is Spam" button...Well yes, yes I am. NOW I AM READY TO FORGET THE PAST.Oh, I always KNEW that you'd come back to me! I DO NOT NEED THE US$3 MILLION ANY LONGER WHEW! Now THERE'S a load off MY mind FROM YOU BUT A GOOD COMPENSATION FROM YOUR MIND how's about a nice TRIVIA question? What's black and white and red all over? WRONG! IT'S A NUN! A...uh...bloody nun...Um...Wait, I think I told it wrong...Hold up. I NEED YOUR ASSURANCE THAT THOSE COLLEAGUES Who, them Nigerians? WILL BE TOTALLY KEPT OUT OF THIS TRANSACTION which one, the me NOT paying you big stacks of U.S. Dollars? AND I KNOW THAT NONE OF THEM IS AWARE OF MY NEW APPROACH TO YOU 'cause they all so stupid and these internets are all so foreign to them and the emails? Please, don't get me started...STOP SPENDING YOUR MONEY UNNECESSARILY and start spending it WITH ME TO CBN OFFICERS HERE BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT RECEIVE THIS MONEY WITHOUT MY HAND IN IT and I totally mean that literally: you'll receive my severed hand. Right or left, you decide. All raw and bloody...Spooky, spooky severed hand...DON'T TRY ME, WHITE BOY! I'll SO do it. I PERSONALLY DID THE WORK AT THE BEGINNING AND ONLY ME CAN CONCLUDE IT SUCESSFULLY. Hey, newsflash, Jackson: only ME can prevent forest fires. I doubt that ONLY YOU can complete this transaction successfully. I mean, what...Are you the only cat that can READ where you live?

FINALLY, I NEED YOUR PROMISE THAT NO OFFICIAL OF THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA fuck them WILL BE AWARE OF MY INVOLVEMENT IN THIS TRANSACTIONS um...haven't you already fucked that up a wee bit? BECAUSE OF MY POSITION which, since you asked, is face down, ass up. That's the way we like to fuck, dontcha know?. I WANT YOU TO REASSURE ME and hold me and tell me I'm pretty THAT YOU WILL BE WILLING TO COMPENSATE ME AND THAT YOU WILL ASSIST MY WIFE TO ESTABLISH A FOREIGN ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY WHERE MY OWN PERCENTAGE WILL BE LODGED oh, you'll get something "lodged," don't you worry...I can assure you of that, pal. IF YOU AGREE, I WILL SEND YOU A KTT FUND RELEASE APPROVAL DOCUMENTS FOR YOUR ENDORSEMENT When dealing with dishonest foreigners, I ALWAYS trust KTT Fund Release Approval Documents. Whether home or abroad, KTT Documents are the Spammer's first choice! (how was that?) AFTER WHICH YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SHALL BE CREDITED WITHIN 48 HOURS THROUGH GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA CRUDE OIL RESERVE ACCOUNT with having singlehandedly brought about the fall of communism. Look, we know it's not true, but Wikipedia will buy it as a citation and you'll be hella' famous!.

I AM A MAN OF MY WORD you don't say! AND IF YOU ARE READY TO CONCLUDE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME, CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT WE CAN HAVE A CHAT OVER THIS ISSUE BUT IF THE REVERSE IS THE CASE, what, that I don't want to conclude? I'm confused DO NOT BOTHER YOURSELF TO REACH ME AND FORGET ABOUT THIS MONEY done and done!. AWAITING YOUR PROMPT COMPLIANCE are you threatening me? AND MY BEST REGARDS.

PROF CHARLES SOLUDO
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR- CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA. hey, wait! You're a dirty fucking Nigerian TOO! WHY!? WHY DO YOU LIE TO ME? And I was SO about to send off all of my monies...Oh well...

Monday Mail Blechs.

2007-04-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

This post is rated 'M' for Mature. And 'MSA' for Mom Stay Away. It's all kinds of rated.

Sorry to do this, but if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.

The first email I opened this morning was this:

Thanks for the early morning porn-mail you penis patch pushing anonymous fucknut. Still, I think I can use this...

Random thoughts to follow.
---
I think it's meant to tell a story, almost like a comic strip.

Panel 1: "Gee honey, I would love to pull down your pants and blow you senseless, but really... what's the point?"

Panel 2: All the information you need to know to fix the situation, with a special guest appearance by the head of H.R. Giger's Alien because that's how we roll.

Panel 3: (Later...) "Wow! Where have you been all my life, oh tool of Satan?!"
---
One thing I wonder about this – apart from why they would picture a skinned weenie guaranteed to make any guy back away with his hands over his crotch and tears in his eyes – is do they think by adding the "Rx" to their product's name the potential customer might think it has some medicinal value and legitimacy? All I can say is adding Mc to nuggets doesn't make me think they're Scottish.
---
A patch. Why a patch? The only other chemical patch I can think of offhand is the smoking patch, and that's used to give up smoking. Shouldn't a penis patch make you give up penis? Just in case, whatever you do, don't let your lady wear one. To be safe don't even let her look at one.
---
"... will expand the erectile tissue longer and wider without any extra effort..." From flaccid, sure. A slight breeze can manage that. You don't even have to TRY. Slapping something on your best friend Bobby is bound to generate some activity. The question that isn't answered is, "Will this patch make Bobby grow bigger and wider than he's ever been before?" Since these people are in the business of lying and taking advantage of the insecure, I feel confident the answer they would give is, "Yes. Oh yes. Big as your freakin' arm. This check's good, right?"
---
For the record I don't name my 'bits', but Bobby seems like a good one. It conjures imagery that's hard to forget. Bobby. Think about it. Then, once you get it, try NOT thinking about it.
---
It would be awesome if you had to lick it to stick it. "Honey! Could you help me with this? I need you to lick me here, here and here. And here. Here again. Now over here. Stop complaining! I'm doing this for you!" But it's probably adhesive strips.
---
Picture this... taking it off after jogging.
---
How big is this patch? It can't be too big, because remember who it's for. Provided you have the real estate, can you apply more than one? What happens if you do? I can picture college kids sticking six of them on a friend who passed out drunk at the party. He wakes in the morning and his pants are shredded. He has to gather it up in his arms just to walk. "I can never play soccer again!"
---
That's probably way more than enough of that.

Have a great week everyone.

News flash from the lunatic fringe

2007-03-27T09:35:00.001-07:00

Just this minute I received an email from Gotoso Diogo with the subject line "Anna Nicole: The Mystery of Her Death"

The body of the email went on to tell me that she died from an enlarged penis. Her own or someone else's; it wasn't made clear. It was very cryptic. It appeared to be trying pass itself off as spam, seemingly selling me the "#1 Penis Enlargement Solution in the World," but with that subject line I knew there was a deeper meaning. Surely it wasn't chosen at RANDOM. No, my friends, this is not spam. Oh no. There's something "they" don't want us to know about the death of Anna Nicole. The "mystery" of it, if you will. I'm certain that this was really a disguised message from the people "in the know."

How can I be so sure? The answer is hidden in the coded message at the end: "ftkpkkkmkfkjkfmuhmiihihqhkhnhkhhhlishuiolhhthghh"

See? There can be no denying it. If you can't decode it out, you weren't meant to know, but I will say that what it reveals is chilling in its evil.

If you do figure out the message, be quiet about it though. Just knowing this could jeopardize your life. The email said "100% Guaranteed risk free" which is obviously meant as a warning of the extreme danger you will be in if you learn of this cover-up. I'm not afraid. I live with fear on a daily basis. I have a teenaged son.

Just remember, the truth of Anna's death is out there. It's walking on three legs.

Luckily we have Gotoso Diogo risking his life to warn us.

You're a good man Gotoso.

A bit'o Spam

2007-03-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've done anything with the spam that used to flood my inbox. As you can tell if you have stopped by lately. I say "used to flood my inbox" because our IT guys have managed to shut the flow down to a trickle. That's great and all, but it makes material scarce. Luckily I've been holding on to quite a few for quite awhile, just waiting for the posting urge to strike. It has struck, in a tiny way. I will now give you a few morsels of spam. My comments, as usual, in red.

---

From: Ketty Kloecker
Subject: Don't pass by for god sake. Render assistance, you heartless bastard!
Date: March 21, 2007 6:14:53 PM MDT
To: collin

Hi
Something attractive are occur with SCPT, did you saw I did saw! I did! It so attractive! Make me horny! So horny! .02 x.04 ? You betcha. .02 x.04 worth of horny!
I think we need to buy it before it reach 0.06 mark. Do you? Are you sure? That's .02 more horny if we wait! Let's wait! Let the horny build and build!

LOOK at statistic. Do I gotta? I'm busy letting the horny build! Sigh. Fine.

Last Trade: 0.04
Change: Up 0.02 (81.82%)
Prev Close: 0.02
Volume: 5,421,146 Now, I'm no money guru, but wouldn't an increase from .02 to .04 equal a 100% increase? *Ahem* I mean 'Statistic make me horny even more!' So much volume! So attractive!

But do not tell me later thet i wasn't noticed you. I couldn't if I wanted to.

Truly Yours, Ketty If you are truly mine, can I sell you? I think that should be allowed. Apply you towards my student loans.

---

Best spam title I've gotten lately: "Jennifer keeps the room warm."

Unfortunately, that's the only good thing about that one. No explanation how she does it. Nothing further is said of Jennifer. Just more babble about stocks I don't realize I want.

---

From: nevil ambrosius (nanetecallie@qchiptechnologies.com)
Subject: Sir, your product works like no other. It does indeed. So you'll be buying a thirty then?
Date: March 20, 2007 9:23:05 PM MDT
To: antonina (collin@blahblahblah) WTF? Like I'm not going to know my own name? Who the hell is Antonina? Answer me Nevil Ambrosius, you prick!

Did you know that a recent survey showed that 85% of women actually get aroused by a man who produces "above average" semen amounts? Who does these surveys? Do they just hang around WalMart with a clipboard and a lewd expression? "Excuse me miss, does THIS much semen make you horny?" Produces a pint bottle full of teeny wigglers from behind his back. Notes reaction. Moves on. With our pills, she'll be speechless... They're mostly alum. Damned handy if the lady of the bedroom is a bit too chatty. and defiantly coming back for more... Give me what I want or I'll smack you into Tuesday!

Other than a link and filler text, that was it. The entire sales pitch. I'm left unconvinced.

Have a great weekend everyone!

A Suspense Account! Spam from Africa...

2006-11-15T10:19:00.000-08:00

From :Miss Rose wanta
Add:43 rue de angree djibi
ABIDJAN COTE D'IVOIRE WEST AFRICA

Dear Respectful One and a fine day to you, bitch!

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the International web site directory you mean the internets? 'De world wide web? THE WORLD HIVE BRAIN!? Sure, go on....

I prayed over it over what? and selected your name lucky me! among other names ooh, unlucky thems! due to it's esteeming nature you're Goddamned RIGHT, I'm esteemed! and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with from whom? EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS THE LIES! LIES! and by their recommenddations whomever "they" may be I must not hesitate SO QUIT WASTING TIME, CORKY! to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.

I am Rose wanta Fanta, the only Daughter of late Mr and Mrs George dont'cha Wanta Fanta My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan, geography lesson alert: the economic capital of Ivory Coast, before he was poisoned to death which sucks only a bit more than being "poisoned into incapacitation" but is perhaps WAY worse than being "poisoned to slight irritation" by his business associates et tu, Bruté? on one of their outing to discus on a business deal and also the poisoning. Mr Wanta never DID read memorandums carefully.

When my mother died on the 21st October 1996 ...it was the 3rd of September..., my father took me special That day I'll always remember...Yes I will... because i am motherless look, kids! A bastard child!. Before the death of my father on 30th June 2003 in a private hospital here in Abidjan 'cause of the poison...And stuff..

He secretly called me on his bedside he was way into this ninja shit and told me that he has a sum of $7.500.000 (Seven Million, five hundred thousand dollars) left in a suspense dun dun DUNNNNN! account in a local Bank ooh, they have more than one! here in Abidjan, that he used my name as his only Daughter 'cause he felt bad just making up names for the next of kin in deposit of the fund.And i have my small brother he's a little person. My little brother in BOTH senses, it's really beautiful call mark Wanta Fanta
He also explained to me verrrrrry slowwwwwly that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money what, some random fucking amount of money? his business associates supposed to balance him what? from the deal they had, that he was poisoned by his business associates 'cause FUCK HIM, if he won't balance, let's kill him! No thought of where the monies may be, just kill him. kill him dead. with Drain-O., that I should seek for a God fearing God TERRIFIES me. He often takes my lunch monies. foreign partner in a country of my choice how nice! where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management) oh, suddenly you have a moment of clarity. Real estate management isn't all it's cracked up to be, missy...May I recommend "hookers and beer?".

Sir, we are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways.

1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to done..

2) To serve as the guardian of this since I am a gilr a what? A gilr monster? of 19 (tender) years.
Moreover Sir, i am willing to offer you 20% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas. So let me get this straight...I open an account, I serve as your guardian and I receive big US monies. Hmmm...No getting killed with the blunt objects? No untimely doom? No scamming me out of MY monies? SIGN ME UP, SODA GIRL!

Thanks and God Bless. Ooh, you're welcome!

Best regards.

Miss Rose wanta Fanta!

Spam With No Shame - Taking The Lord's Name in Vain...

2006-11-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

DONATION FOR THE LORD
From: Mrs. Monica Tema

PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF (a lesser) GOD 'cause you know they don't hear to well n' stuff. I am the above name person Wow, forgot your scam-name already? You needs to PRACTICE from Sierra-Leone. I am married note: present tense to Dr Ebenezer Tema who worked with Sierra Leonian Embassy in South Africa for nine years before he died married to a dead man. Currently. That must suck, mostly in the year 2001. We were married for eleven years without a child 'cause my insides was a rocky place where his seed could find no purchase. Before my husband's death, we were both born again christians kinda like that band Stryper, but without all the hair. we liked to wear tight yellow outfits, though...Anyhow, where were we? and we lived happilly ever mother-fucking after. Since his death, I decided not to re-marry or get a child you know, like by stealing one outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is really against Wait, the bible don't want you to remarry or the bible is against NOT remarrying? MAKE MORE SENSE, SCAMMER.

When my late husband was alive you know, back before he was "dead" he secured (stoled) $15Million (Fifteen Million U.S. Dollars I love me some U.S. Dollars) with financial institution we only have one and, yes, It's called "Financial Institution." We thought it was a bit classier than "Bank," don't you agree? here in Cote D'Ivoire which is in a foreign language and DON'T TRY TO TRANSLATE IT 'cause you're not all foreign. And stuff. Anyway. Presently, this money is still with (our only) financial institution. Recently, my Doctor the only one in foreign-town told me that from all the test conducted on my health, I am not going to last long Well shit, maybe next time: not so many tests on your health. You might last longer, expecially heh, due to my cancer and stroke Ohhhh. Well shit...Yeah, that'll fuck you up. But what disturbs me most now is stroke 'cause cancer, let's face it, it ain't so bad for me. Hell, it has a pleasant flowery aroma and people give me sympathy. Stroke, on the other hand, well all it does is shoot my motor skills all to hell and make me drool. And talk funny. And look at the rest of this email, I CAN'T EVEN TYPE REAL GOOD! Screw you, Stroke! Screw you to Hell!.

Having known my condition biblically, I decided to donate this fund you know, the U.S. Dollars I revealed earlier to churches or Christian individual the only one in town! that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct YOU! Do as I say! First, you shall build a monument to me and don't make it all drooly, or effed up from stroke, alright? good, second.... I want a church or individual that will use this money to fund churches then give it to a church, Orphanages or an orphan and Widows or...Hey, YOU'RE a widow!. Also, the propagation what? of the work of God, building and maintaining the house of God It has a 4-car garage through this money, is very important.

The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth right before the Lord taketh away. I took this decision because I don't have any child Insides, rocky place, blah blah blah that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians those heathen BASTARDS! What are they, Catholic?. I don't want my husband's hard earned (read: stoled) money to be misused by unbelievers or Catholics for that matter, for their own selfish interest like funding exorcisms and stuff and in an ungodly manner like, I dunno, receiving massages and meth from gay hookers. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bossom where exactly IS the Lord's "bossom?" of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case now THERE'S a lawyer you don't want to face in court and I shall hold my peace.

I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health remember: I don't talk so good and I'm tired of repeating myself, and because of the presence of my husband's relatives I think one's even a preist around me sometimes. I don't want them to know about this development, but I know that With God all things are possible so he'll probably tell them. Man, I hope he doesn't tell them, they're creepy.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of Financial institution yes, the only one in Ivory coast. I will also give you all information regarding the deposit of this money. I will also look, gimpy, USE COMMAS! issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original- beneficiary the O.B. for street cred purposes of this fund. I want you and your church Foreign church of foreigners n' stuff to always pray for me because God work in misterious warm mist or cool mist? ways. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian you said you were born again...So...What'd you do BEFORE then? Live a life indeed. Who ever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. I...uh...Just gimme the monies.

Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian individual for this same purpose in English: speed it up there, Junior! You could lose the big score to some other sucker!. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein praying for hookers and beer, building a house...I got it, strokey, now where's the cash?. Hoping to hear from you soon (just not on the telephone).

Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.

Yours in Christ,
Mrs Monica Tema that above named person from...above

Hooked On Banking Scam Spam Vol. 2-Can't Stop the Spam!..

2006-10-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

---
From: don_newport@ivenus.com
Subject: GOOD DAY.
Date: Sat, 09 Sep 2006 10:40:11 +0100 (BST)
---
STANDARD BANK LONDON Pretty official so far...
5TH FLOOR CANNON BRIDGE HOUSE ooh, doesn't THAT sound regal?
25 DOWGATE HILL (Swinging) LONDON
EC4R 2SB UNITED KINDOM. Aaaand...Crap. "Kindom?" What the fuck is a kindom? This guy must have next of kin on his dirty Nigerian brain...Anyhow, let's begin:

GOOD DAY TO YOU, And a fine day to you, but please, don't shout so.

MY NAME IS MR. DON NEWPORT, Hi there, Donny! WORKING WITH THE MINING FINANCE DEPT. WITH STANDARD BANK LONDON. Conveniently located in the United KINdom. Seven locations in the Swinging London Metro Area to Serve all of your fraudulent banking needs!

WE HAD A FOREIGN CUSTOMER go figure WHO DEPOSITED A HUGE SUM OF MONEY no WAY WITH OUR BANK, WHO LATER DIED you don't say AS A RESULT OF PLANE CRASH hey, these guys only have the one plane, too! IN 1999. BEFORE HIS DEATH at the hands...er...landing gear of that vile plane, HE TRANSFERED THE SUM OF US$26.5M did you say "US?" (TWENTY-SIX MILLION FIVE HUNDREDTHOUSAND UNITED SATES DOLLARS OH! OH! My prayers, they have been answered! No more will I have to handle Hella big stacks of British pound monies! It's finally time for the real folding monies! AMERICAN DOLLARS! Oh hot shit, when can we get started?) TO A BANK IN AMSTERDAM, HOLLAND. just a guess: he was planning on spending it on dope, hookers and pomme frites (with mayonnaise), not necessarily in that order (and not necessarily just on the pomme frites)

SINCE THE DEATH OF THIS CUSTOMER Lousy foreigner that he was, I PERSONALLY HAVE WATCHED WITH KEEN INTEREST See, I had him in my "ghoul pool" TO SEE THE NEXT OF KIN had them too BUT ALL HAS PROVED ABORTIVE AS NO ONE HAS COME TO CLAIM HIS FUNDS OF ohh, tell it slow US oh yeah $26.5M OH yeah (TWENTY-SIX MILLION YES! FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND YES! YES! UNITED STATES DOLLARS Oh sweet JESUS! YES! yes! um...oh...sorry...go on.) WHICH HAS BEEN WITH THE BANK IN HOLLAND dope, hookers, slathered in mayonnaise FOR A VERY LONG TIME since 1999, even!. ON THIS NOTE I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR WHOSE NAME SHALL BE USED AS THE NEXT OF KIN AS NO ONE HAS COME UP TO BE THE NEXT OF KIN because there HAS to be a next of kin! This is the united KINdom, for Christ's sake! What kind of empire would we be here if we didn't have A NEXT OF KIN!? Seriusly, I'm asking....

IN VIEW OF THIS I GOT YOUR CONTACT THROUGH MY COUNTRY'S FOREIGN TRADE MISSION 'cause, you know, you do so much trading with us foreginers AFTER I WAS CONVINCED BY PROVIDENCE she works in shipping and receiving, we go out for drinks from time to time THAT YOU COULD BE USED and by "used," of course we mean "bludgeoned to death for your monies" AS THE NEXT OF KIN. In fact, you, currently, are in a state of "Next of KINdom!" Ha ha! Get it? A little scammer humor! Ha ha...Why aren't you laughing, dammit?

THE REQUEST OF THE FOREIGNER AS A NEXT OF KIN IN THIS BUSINESS IS OCCASIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER and you all look alike, so... AND YOU SHARE THE SAME SURNAME your surname, for the purposes of this transaction, is Pfaltergrast. Seriously, you better learn to spell it, there'll be "documents" for you to sign, AND SOMEBODY IN LONDON CANNOT STAND AS THE NEXT OF KIN 'cause, DUH, we ain't foreigners! TO OUR LATE CUSTOMER plane fall down, go boom. I AGREED THAT US$5 MILLION wait, what? OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS A FOREIGN PARTNER well, thanks...but... FOR PROVIDING AN ACCOUNT sure, I can do that, but..., WHILE THE REST WILL BE FOR ME you greedy ASSHOLE! THEM'S AMERICAN DOLLARS AND THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR ME! You dirty...AAAAAAHHHHHH! Dammit!, THEREAFTER, I WILL VISIT YOUR COUNTRY FOR DISBURSEMENT oh, you'll get your "disbursement," pal! You'll get disbursed right upside your foreign head...Measly 5 million, you asshole... AS I AM ALMOST DUE FOR RETIREMENT and you'll retire, by God...I'll see to it PERSONALLY.

I WILL NOT FAIL TO BRING TO YOUR NOTICE THAT THIS BUSINESS IS HITCH-FREE Oh, well that makes all the difference then! You go ahead, take $21.5 million American folding dollars for you whilst I get $5 million. Without hitches, I feel so much better! AND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT ENTERTAIN ANY FEAR you should HAVE fear. Don't get me wrong, you should be as fearful as ever: just do not entertain that fear. No singing, no dancing, no jokes and FOR GOD'S SAKE, no fucking Vaudeville acts...I hate it when fear is entertained AS THE WHOLE REQUIRED ARRANGEMENT HAS BEEN MADE FOR THE bludegeoning...er...TRANSFER. YOU SHOULD CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THIS EMAIL OR CALL ME ON MY NUMBER +44 704 0128295. I'm putting you in my address book right now, dirty scammer!

TRUSTING TO HEAR FROM YOU. Keep on trusting, pal...

YOURS RESPECTFULLY, Mine? Cool! It's like the first Valentine I've received in YEARS!
MR. DON NEWPORT Foreign scammer extraordinaire
+44 704 012 8295
NB: SEND ALL REPLY TO:
(don_newport@yahoo.co.uk)

Most acccurate subject line ever.

2006-10-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Spam-A-Lama Ding Dong...

2006-10-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

my comments are in the red, as per usual
---
From: "YetAnotherSpamScammer@shittyspammer.com"
Subject: Please, Send them your contacts information
Date: Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:48:06 +0000
----
Hello Dear Freind Hello, dirty spam scammer who hasn't mastered the whole 'I before E' thing yet

Am writing to informed you that i have new arrarangement for your cheque draft Abhorrent grammar aside, I am intrigued by this draft you speak of. Am I set to acquire hella big stacks of British Pound Monies?. as I went to the bank to confirm if the Cheque has expired or getting near to expire and Mr.Okey Odunze Mr. Okey-Dokey? Are you just making this up as you go along? the Director of Financial Trust Bank told me that before the cheque will get to your hand that it will expire DAMN MY PROCASTINATION PRONE HAND!. So I told him to cash the $2.000.000 UNITED STATES DOLLARS Um...$2.000.000? It seems that we have yet to master DECIMAL POINTS as well. That's like...two bucks. Hell, who am I to complain, it's foldin' money, right? to cash payment to avoid losting I've losted many things in my life, but losting funds is the worstest this funds. However, all the necessary arrangement of delivering the $2.000.000 UNITED STATES DOLLARS plus, it IS customary in this country to SCREAM the amount of money IN UNITED STATES DOLLARS anytime you discuss a transaction in cash was made with GLOBAL DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE please, don't shout here in Cotonou Benin Republic Where the fuck is THAT? Is that anywhere near "African America?". Mr.Okey Odunze Whom I like already, just based on his name. I bet he answers every question - EVERY question - with 'okey dokey!' It's like an inside joke there at Financial Trust Bank (of African America) the Director of Financial Trust Bank Cotonou have to package the sum of $2.000.000 in cash OOH, ACTUALLY...Actually, can I get my two bucks U.S. in quarters? I wanted to hit the arcade later. for me. Then he also agreed Okey-dokey! to help me to Register the Consignment with GLOBAL DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE Seriously, you're hurting my ears. Infact I thank God very much for all the movement I made Hey, is this an appropriate time to be talking about your toilet goings-on? Man, I KNOW you've been constipated, but c'mon...Right in the middle of a financial transaction?, every thing goes normally It was the BeneFiber, wasn't it?. As for our agreement with the Global Diplomatic Courier Service FINALLY! Thank you for calming down...Must've been that bowel movement they promised that your consignment will leave this Country on wenesday We don't have that day in our country...We have a 'WEDNESDAY,' you backward ass-clown, but no 'wenesday' this week, But the Director of the GLOBAL DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE Oh for fuck's sake, SETTLE DOWN! said that they need your contacts informations but I don't wear contacts to able them meet up with you immediately and kill me all the quicker, I'm sure the Diplomat Agent arrived to your Country.

Please write a letter of application to the given address below, with its registration number GLOBAL/MTM/PED/214/2006
ATTN: Isaac Nnamah Na Na Na? Hey hey hey. Goodbye.
EMAIL: glo_diplomatic_courierserv@yahoo.fr Damn Frenchies

Please, Send them your contacts information to able them locate you immediately they arrived in your country with your BOX .This is what they need from you.
1. YOUR FULL NAME All the better to call out whilst we hunt you down with a blunt object...
2.YOUR HOME ADDRESS. All the better to be able to use GPS to hunt your ass down. Again, with blunt objects...
3.YOUR CURRENT HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER. All the better to call you up to let you know that DEATH awaits ye with big sharp pointy BLUNT OBJECTS!..Wait, um...
4.YOUR CURRENT OFFICE TELEPHONE. So we can call in 'dead' for you...Aren't we courteous? We ARE courteous. You love us already. GIVE US BRITISH POUND MONIES!
5.A COPY OF YOUR PICTURE because, seriously...Bludgeoning the wrong person and stealing their monies gets us in HELLA TROUBLE with the boss.

Please make sure you send this needed infos And maybe also directions to hardware stores that sell the blunt objects in your area to the Director general of Global diplomatic Courier service Dr.Isaac Nnamah Nanana! with the address given to you. Note. Global diplomatic Courier service don't know the contents of the Box They so stupid, the think 'dat the box has bunnies! They funny to watch handle so fragile! Ha ha ha!. I registered it as a BOX of an Africa cloths As a whatthefuck?. They don't know it contents money again, 'cause they so stupid. this is to avoid them delaying with the BOX you know, like at strip clubs or at hardware stores. don't let them know that is money that is in that Box really pretend it is an Africa cloths. When you get BOX, you may have to start wearing some of the monies (all two bucks) like on your head or as a loin cloths to fool them. It'll work, too. I am waiting for your urgent response which, likely, will be a (very urgent) 'fuck off'.

Thanks and Remain Blessed Um...You too.
Jerry Moore What an oddly American name for a foreign scammer...
----
So there you go: more spam from the shitty spam vault. You all enjoy your Tuesday now...

Aged Spam

2006-09-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on Fizzle and Pop 01/11/2005. Heavily modified to make it better.

My comments in green:

From: Refreshed A. Rightness (A solid Christian name if ever I read one)
Subject: Wakey wakey! (Eggs and bakey!)
Date: January 8, 2005 7:21:17 AM MST
To: Collin

Good evening, (Morning. Whatever.)

Dear Friend, (Do I know you?)

If you would like to make love with one (or more) women who are almost crazy to have sex with you, this will be the most exciting message you will ever read.

(Are you kidding? They would have to be almost crazy to not want to! And I would have to be almost crazy to miss out on this message! Oh, the near insanity! By the way, would those "(or more)" be at one time?! Good golly, this IS exciting! Possibly the MOST EXCITING thingie whatsit.)

Here is why.

(Do tell! My heart is racing from the excitement! And to keep my blood pumping so I don't die, of course. But mainly excitement!)

Julie Paris (no relation to that other young woman named Paris) is a lesbian who lives in Miami Beach, Florida. (Good thing you cleared that up. I would hate to confuse a nice, wholesome lesbian living it up in Miami Beach with a spoiled rich vapid slut.) Actually, she is bi-sexual... (Did you think about this before you sat down to write? "Actually, honestly, she's a martian and only uses sex to attract food.") but... she hardly ever "wastes her time" with men. (Um. We seem to be off topic. Excitement waning.) That's because (according to her) (says you) most men just don't have a clue about how to satisfy a woman in bed. (Professor Tongue in the Labia with the Clitoris.)

For years, Julie has studied chemistry and its biological effect on women. (Translation: She spent her college years smoking weed and luring doe-eyed innocents up to her room to help her "research"..."Trust me, it's for science!") She is responsible for creating many of the top cosmetic products in the entire world. (Like "Cold Cream" and... um... "Q-Tips". And that thing that curls your eyelashes. "Bean farts".) But now, she has created a product called "Fire Play" (I hope this isn't just putting a lit match to bean farts.) that makes almost all women...

Instantly Horny! (Oh it's not! It's so not! Lighting off bean farts never "makes almost all women... Instantly Horny!" In fact, it hardly makes any woman... Instantly Horny! My excitement has returned and it is stronger than EVER! Whooboy.)

Click here to learn more about this product! (Don't bother clicking there since I didn't link it.)

---

And that was the end of it. Kinda sudden if you ask me. IF Julie Paris is real and IF she really has made a product that will do all this says, then I apologize for my flippant comments. HAHAhahaHAHA!

Heh.

For what it's worth a search of "Julie Paris Cosmetics" on Google turned up nothing relevant. BUT "Julie Paris Cosmetic" (no 's') turned up THIS site. Very interesting and offering great snapshot of what it is to be crazy with access to a keyboard and the web.

I love this quote: "Plus, I also think after you read this website, you will realize... without any question whatsoever... that when it comes to writing website copy (or any other kind of copy) I am truly the "800 pound guerrilla" who can walk through the valley with no fear of competition whatsoever."

Your 800 pound gorilla is powerless against my pocket black hole! "Ook-ook-shhhhlurp!"

According to his main page, he's quite litigious and concerned about his "newsletters" being used without first paying him gobs of cash:

"Don't even think about reproducing and/or selling... even one sentence... of these letters in any form whatsoever. They are all copyrighted and, if you do rip them off, I guarantee you will have a "legal experience" so unpleasant... it will give you nightmares forever!"

So there you go. I'm risking nightmares forever to entertain you. I hope you're happy.

Banking Scam Spam: Garden Variety...

2006-09-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

From: "Dirty Nigerian Scammer"
Subject: From: Mr. Eric Ojukwu.
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 2006 16:44:40 +0000

From:Mr. Eric Ojukwu.
Telephone:+229 97096914.
Personal email: eric_ojukwu@excite.com

Deer Knight, which is TOTALLY like the Batman of the animal world. Or bat-deer. Seriously, it's like a buck all dressed in black with BAT EARS and...Oh, right, on with the spam.

I am a staff , ...daddy was a cop... and work with a bank ...on the east side of Chicago... (one of the African leading African leading? What are you, the peid piper of Nigeria? banks in the West Coast. the west coast OF WHAT? I am writing following an opportunity in my office that will be of immense benefit to both of us someone TOTALLY left a pizza in the breakroom!. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of £10.5million British Pounds Sterling shit, that's WAY better than a pizza...Tell me more, dude (Ten million five hundred thousand British Pounds) in an account that belongs to now read this next bit carefully one of lost his life in the plane crash THE plane crash. We have one plane. It crash. which crashed yeah, um...figured that part out from "plane crash" on January 31 2000, including his wife and only daughter.

Since we got information about his death (the pizza guy broke the news) , we have been expecting his next of kin or relatives to come over we left the front door open and everything! Ok, to be fair, we may have locked the screen door, but with hella big stacks of British pound monies lying around, you can't be too careful and claim his money because let's face it, we gots his monies, man! we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceasedas WTF, is that Spanish? Deceasedas...Are those those bugs that make all that damn noise? indicated in our banking guidelines. STICK TO THE CODE!

Unfortunately I learnt pizza guy again that his supposed next of kin being his only daughter wait for it died NOOOO! Not the DAUGHTER! Not his ONLY DAUGHTER! I didn't see that com...Oh, wait...Yes I did. You told me that earlier...Right, carry on along with him in the plane crash one plane, crash, we walk everywhere now, blah blah blah leaving nobody with the knowledge of this fund and OH THE KNOWLEDGE IT CONTAINS! Cures for both cancer and the HIV! Winning lotto numbers! The secret formula for Coke®! The locations of celebrity homes! behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and two other officials in this department call "dibs" on this dude's cash now decided to make business with you 'cause, you know, we think you're pretty cool and we read your blog from time to time and hey, no foolin', we know you need the monies and release the money to you as the next of kin woo hoo or beneficiary that works too of the funds for safety keeping I safety keep things for strange foreigners ALL THE TIME! So like one time I was at the airport and this guy with a towel on his head is all like "hey, watch my luggage" and I'm like "safety keeping is MY middle name!" I tried to explain that to the TSA people, they wouldn't listen...Anyway, go ahead... and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it we TOTALLY left that front door open for TWO WHOLE DAYS, MAN! And it was COLD and we don't want this money to go back into Government treasury as unclaimed bill Yeah! Stick it to the MAN! The government would probably just blow it on hookers and beer anyway.The banking law and guidelines here stipulates that such money remained after six years the money will be transferred into banking treasury as unclaimed funds I think I get it, dude, no need to repeat yourself, Mel Tillis.

We agreed that 35% of this money will be for you as foreign partner Next of Kin, Beneficiary, Safety Keeper, Foreign Partner: I like them all!, 10% for reimbursement to both parties for incidental expenses like when we have you fly out here so's we can brain you with a bat or something equally as deadly that may be incurred in the course of the transaction for insurance, phone bills and taxes etc while the balance will be for me and my colleagues AND the pizza dude! I will visit your country it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there...Wait, um...What I meant was... for the disbursement according to the percentages indicated above once this money gets into your account Wait...The money goes into MY account? 35% now equals 100%. Pleasure doing business with you. Please be honest to me I HAVE been meaning to have a chat with you...You know, things have changed recently between us. I want you to know that it's not YOU, it's Me...*sigh* this is always so hard...Oh, no...DON'T YOU CRY ON ME. See, that's why we can't talk anymore... and trust is our watchword I prefer "BACAW! BACAW!" like in the 3 Amigos in this transaction. Note this transaction is confidential and risk free and, for a limited time, we WON'T shoot you in the back of the head during our third meeting. As soon as you receive this mail which is like...you know...NOW you should contact me by reply mail by...you know...HITTING "REPLY".Please note that all necessary arrangement for the smooth release of these funds we fed the funds Ex-Lax without it knowing to you has been finalized even though...you know...you JUST now heard of us.

We will discuss much in details when I do receive your response things like whether blunt trauma or knife wounds tend to kill you faster.

Best regards,
Mr. Eric Ojukwu.

Spam! Spam Straight From Email HELL!..

2006-09-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

So our old buddy Collin recently set up a site (this one, ironically enough) which he (lovingly) calls "Spam-A-Palooza" that he envisions as a repository of posts which do nothing more than "make fun of the spam emails," an activity which he is more than adept at. For reasons which are, as yet "unknown," I agreed to become part of this Spam-A-Palooza thing. Of course, I soon realized after agreeing to such things that I never actually READ any of the metric assload (seriously, I get THOUSANDS per day) of spam emails which flood every inbox I own. Verily, thanks to the ever expanding capability of "filters" which are available for emails nowadays, most (if not all) of the aforementioned deluge of unwanted electronic missives are ferried magically away from my virgin eyes to rot in email Hell, never to be viewed by the likes of me. It became clear to me, though, ('cause I ain't no dummy) that if I WERE to join in and make fun of spam, I might actually have to travel deep into the bowels of the aforementioned electronic missive Hades, retrieve a handful of vile solicitations and bring them back with me for the dissection and the postings and such.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to make fun of some spam email today, dig? Good. Here we go:
my comments are the ones in "red"
----
From: shittyspammer@shitmail.com
Subject: SPAM-MED: Processing Judicial Judgments Note how the mail program here where we work conveniently alerts me that this particular message has a "medium chance" of being "spam." Gee, what gave you the first idea, computer program? I don't know, I would've given this one a "high," but that's just me...
Date: August 20, 2006 4:34:59 AM MDT
To: me, sadly...

Hello Lori, Hello! (I often just answer to whatever name someone wants to call me, I hate to correct people, it makes them feel bad...)

6 months ago I was let go from my employment I held for what seemed like forever. but it WASN'T, right? If it SEEMED like forever, then you must've hated it! In that case, I'm so glad you got let go! Its hard to thank you enough for establishing me in this new enterprise You're welcome, I pride myself on being a pimp who takes care of both his bitches AND his hos. I won't rough you up too often if you remember to give me my damn money.... You have given me a new start on life. Already realizing twice as much as I realized in my old job. Indeed, all that time on her back gives her a chance to think deeply and philosophically. Once realization sets in, though, it's all downhill from there...

I took delivey I've never taken a delivey before, are they heavy? of a 2005 Jag JAG? in '05? Was that like...Season 10 when Harm and Mac got it on? It's out on DVD already? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!? Secretly, I was always rooting for the chubby guy with no legs or maybe the admiral to get it on with Mac but...I digress.... Taking home 150,000US in 18 months Where's MY money, ho?. I am having a great time in this career You were cut out for it from the start. It is a blast and I am a hero to the judges and to my clientele I gave you the street in front of the courthouse for a reason. Now where's my money?. What an outstanding business to be in.

Carefully following exactly what your instructions recommends me to do, is working out perfectly In, out. repeat if necessary. Simple, expedient, to the point. I go to the court house and locate all of the clientele I can handle I'll bet you do. Now where's my damn money?.

I avail myself of your advanced reporting services to find all assets Bitch, it's called a CELL PHONE and a TRICK, get it right. Then the funds arrive to my PO Box Where's my...Oh, right. In your Box...Sneaky.... Its like magic . Every day is like Christmas Sounds like you and I celebrate Christmas just a wee bit different from each other but what the hell....

I can take a holiday when ever I have the notion to do so. Germany and river cruise up the Rein this year HEY! Don't forget to charge for that, it's like $300 extra!.
Show this letter to others.I'm one step ahead of you. This profession is so huge it needs many more of us assisting the courts and the people who have been hurt Competition is tough, though. You gots to EARN your corner.

Sincerely,
Carolyn T.
This might be you! But only if you ACT NOW! Hit us up at ValuHo at room 5 in the...
----
So there you go, a weak attempt at making fun of spam instead of...you know...something better. As always, thanks for stopping by - you all have a fine weekend...

Happy Happy Fun Spam #1

2006-08-19T11:04:00.000-07:00

Originally posted on Fizzle and Pop 4/26/2004 and modified slightly.

This arrived in my mailbox with the subject line of "Dont Blame Ur Bro Being So Small, Try This Out harvey cerise".

We have a building wide spam filter in place (hah), so this is some clever stuff to make it through the laser fence.

Below I will dissect it piece by piece because I can and want to.

"The world most--effecctive male enhance-ment pi11"

Okay, I'm sure that spelling pill and enhancement "pi11" and "enhance-ment" is an attempt to slip this past spam blockers... However this whole spam arrived as an image file, and I don't think spam blockers use OCR technology. Too clever for their own good.

-

"100%. natural botanicals gathered from every corner of the world, only 2 pi11s daily"

I can think of more than a few corners of the world that I wouldn't want botanicals from. And I mean botanicals that I wouldn't put on a windowsill, much less in my body. A dandelion from New Jersey for example.

-

"Increase the length of your DICCKY by 2-5 full inches"

None of that half-inch or quarter-inch crap! They offer FULL inches!

-

"Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder"

"Fuller"? Is that a major selling point for a guy's DICCKY? Do women check out a man's groin area and think to herself, "That doesn't look quite full enough. Gotta pass."? If so how do beer-bellied cowboy types ever get a woman? I mean, if you put a grape next to a straw and an orange next to a watermelon, the grape may seem fuller by comparison.

-

"---------------------- We ship to all countries ----------------------"

They ship to all countries! THANK GOD! It's good to know if you are in Borneo and find yourself needing a fuller DICCKY, help is just an email and VISA payment away.

-

"WEEK 1-3: Your DICCKY will experience greater and longer lasting erec--tion and a noticeable increase in thickness"

This would be after 14-42 pi11s. Noticeable to who, exactly? Physicists can notice some awful small stuff and stopwatches can measure milliseconds. To me "noticeable" is pretty much dependent on what you can be bothered to notice.

-

"WEEK 4-8: Your DICCKY will have grown in lenngth and will possess much more thickness in both ere--ct and flaccid states"

56-112 pi11s later. Now, believe it or not, thick WHILE flaccid is actually very important. It helps with the impression of fullness you give off while walking around, AND it gives the guys something to fear while standing around the urinal. It also gives a man a rolling gait, and if you want to be a cowboy that is key. Plus you can use your thrusting hips as a way to terrorize nuns.

-

"WEEK 9+: Your DICCKY will have taken on a new body, not just longer and thicker, but much harder & healthier."

126+ pi11s. Before this point you might want to consider stopping the pi11s, because, from what I gather from this, your DICCKY will have become large enough and strong enough to rip itself from your body and wander off to find someone else. Someone "harder" and "healthier". Or, it may go terrorize Tokyo. You know, whatever. It's a DICCKY. It does what it wants.

-

"Booost ur confidennce level & selff-esteem"

While chemically killing that part of your brain that can spell and form sentences. It's those New Jersey dandelions I tell you! You'll be walking around confident and secure in yourself, and possess a fuller groin, yet you'll be forced to communicate in grunts and whistles. It's a bit of a trade off.

-

"Screw ur lover like never before"

Take her to a nice secluded spot, far from civilization, have her close her eyes and then release the 11 week old doom DICCKY that you've been having to contain in special titanium caged underwear. Hang on for the ride of your life. A warning though, there will be screaming and not the good kind. There's also a very good chance if she lives, she'll leave you.

Welcome to "Spam-a-Palooza"

2006-08-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

I hate spam, yet at the same time I love it.

I hate it because, much like zombies or the blob it can become overwhelming and can quickly destroy you and those you love.

Yet I love it because once in a while it can be some of the funniest stuff I've read in days.

And I'll admit from time to time I enjoy playing with it. At my "home site" I take spam that I've received and either play along with it, alter it or outright mock it. It's fun and it takes something annoying and changes it to something... if not "entertaining" than at least differently annoying.

I've been thinking lately that it would be a good idea to pull all of my old "Spam" tirades onto a single site, and add any new ones as time goes by.

I'm also opening up "Team Membership" here at Spam-a-Palooza to any other bloggers who have an account with Blogger and some spam they would like to make fun of.

Just email me* or leave a comment and I'll add you. The only requirement that I have is anything you post must be in some way about spam without actually being just spam. Be serious, be funny, be profound or profane; it's up to you.

That's it. Sounds like fun, huh? I'll start adding my posts next week.

*collin @ fizzleandpop . com